Sunday, December 31, 2006


Here's some interesting figures I picked up. The first figure is the advance paid out, the second is the number of books each sleb has actually sold:

Dave Blunkett -- £400,000 -- 2,000
Gary Barlow -- £1,000,000 -- 50,000
Johnson Beharry -- £1,000,000 -- 20,000
Rupert Everett -- £1,000,000 -- 20,000
Ashley Cole -- £250,000 -- 4,000
Michael Barrymore -- £300,000 -- 5,000
Chantelle -- £400,000 -- under 5,000
Shayne Ward -- £200,000 -- under 5,000

I'm sure with a little more digging I could unearth some more emabarrassingly huge advance/book sales gaps. Whilst there's little doubt that the British public have an insatiable appetite for sleb biogs and magazine-styled tittle-tattle, it's getting very clear that publishers are more often than not losing money - hand over fist - on a lot of these high-profile deals.

Whilst I'm unlikely to mourn for publishers- after all, they're grown ups, they know what they're doing - it does annoy me that they can allow themselves to be fleeced so obviously. I have visions of some naive, vulnerable young schoolboy being mugged for his lunch money when I hear of yet another superheated auction over some Big Brother contestant's biography.

It annoys me because the huge dent that a really duff sleb biography deal puts in a publishers' profit curve can mean a tightening of belts; less money to spend on finding new talent, less money available to market midlist authors.

Yes...I'm biased, I have an agenda, of course I do. I'm a new author. The future of my career is as uncertain as anything - depending pretty much on the sales of my debut novel. Luckily the early signs are good, thus far. But life as a writer would be far less uncertain if huge wads of cash weren't being haemoraged on flavour-of-the-month sleb biography deals.

I could moan all day on this subject you know. I could whinge about how a bubble-headed sleb's passing whim to write one of those 'book thingys' means food taken from a dedicated writer's plate. I could jibber on about the insatiable greed of celebs, having made their millions acting, singing, dancing or whatever - seeking to squeeze another trunkful of easy-money out of the book world...but I'll refrain.

Just say this though. It's sort of reassuring to know that so far my debut hardback has outsold five names on that list above; and that's without any poster campaign, front of store promotion, three-for-two deals, or anyone even knowing my name.

I say that not to sound cocky, (ahem...actually, reading that back to myself, it does sound a little cocky) but to help illustrate the point that a humble unknown writer like me can be a far better return on investment to a publisher than some dittohead sleb taking a final bite at the apple on their way down to z-list status, and eventual anonymity.

Friday, December 22, 2006


This is a blast. I stumbled on it today, and found myself losing a couple of hours messing around with it.

It just goes to show, it's the really simple ideas that can go ballistic and make a huge impact. Doing a little snooping around, there are thousands of websites devoted to this little game. I'm not even aware yet how long it's been doing the round on the internet, but given how quickly things can take off on the net, I wouldn't be surprised if it's only been around for a few weeks.


Thursday, December 21, 2006


This was a game I designed for the Gameboy. Sheeeeh, designed this one, eight years ago now, so it was for the GameBoy Advance. It's called MANAMANIA. Basically a very lightweight strategy game. The idea was you have four 'bases' (see the cauldrens?) one for each competing wizard. The wizard needs to amass 'mana' which comes from collecting naturally sprouting crystals and dropping them into his cauldren. Using this mana power then (see the very slim, yellow, mana power bar on the left...and the spells beside it?) the player can cast funky spells on the enemy wizards.

One of the must-have spells was 'hatch-a-gelf', which makes these cute little helpers who will automatically go and harvest the crystals for you, leaving you free to concentrate on zapping the enemy.

The game idea was instantly catchy, and at my boss's request I went on to do designs for a PS2 version. Sadly, it never passed first base with any publishers. I really would loved a game like this on my Gameboy, easy to get, strategic. Instead, for many years the Gameboy had only really awful licence-tie ins, Mario-kart, and Sonic. It's different now...there are some very good, absorbing, dare I say 'grown up' games on the Gameboy. Hell, you can get Sudoku on there now, which just goes to show there are a lot of older gamers carrying a nintendo around.

Manamania was one of my favorite stillborn games.

Monday, December 18, 2006


Another game that never went anywhere was one I worked up a demo of with a friend, outside of office hours. It was futuristic racer set in a living, breathing city sort of like Bladerunner. The really cool idea though, was that you'd use an editor to make your own city, sort of like the game SIM City; placing towers and shopping centers etc etc And then, you'd hop onto your hoverboard, and race through it.

The racing part of the game was slightly different to the usual run-of-the-mill racing game in that your vehicle, the hoverboard, could only power you along for a few seconds before needing to be recharged (arguably it was solar powered). So you'd have to rely on the cities thermal currents. These could shoot you up the vertical wall of sky-scraper and then you'd be able to glide down to earth, picking up speed truly insane speed coming down. So, the racing tactical-play was all about looking for those updrafts.

Anyway, we got the editor working quite nicely. I produced a variety of city tiles, futuristic sky vehicles and ground cars. But we never got round to doing much more than that before we ran out of time.


I was just going through my old hard-drive and tidying up some things, and stumbled across my portfolio of CG work. There's a ton of it, from 12 years working as a computer games artist.

The last three or four years I worked mainly in designing and rapid-prototyping game proposals. It was a small team, me and a shit-hot programmer...and our job, doesn't get much better than this really, our job was to think up really cool ideas for games, and speedily produce a quick, vaguely playable sample of it. That would then be taken to a big game publisher and we'd pitch the idea to them.

So I thought, it might be interesting to any readers out there who do partake in a little gaming to see images of some games that oh-so-nearly went into full production, but for the decision of a corporate bean-counter...and who knows, might just have gone on to become a huge hit, another Tomb Raider, another Rome TW, another Halo.

These three images were from a proposal based on the movie WestWorld. You know the movie, right? Yul Brynner as a robot gunslinger whose circuits are fried by a malfunction in a robot theme park. etc etc. We designed a game where you play a maintenance bod, armed with some gadgetry, whose task it was, was to rescue theme park guests, whilst fighting all manner of robotic foes; gunslingers, knights, orc, dragons, aliens. We had some cool zones like 'Horror Zone' and 'History Zone' and 'Movie Zone' (movie zone was cool, because there'd be loads of vaguely recogniseable Laurel and Hardy robots).

Anyway, I hastily knocked up a some damaged gunslinger robots, some maintenance bunkers and drafted in some extra artists to throw together a wild west street and my programmer partner wrote enough code that you could wander around have a simple gun fight with them....and quite a cool gimmick of the game - target a robot and directly control it, for a limited time.

We pitched it, and this one, nearly....oh so nearly got greenlighted.

Friday, December 15, 2006


It's one of my pet hates, it really is. It's just...nnnnghhh...just a moment.

Okay, I'm good...another breath, yup I'm better.

Celebrities - I'm talking about all those X Factor starlets, Big Brother Bimbos, Kiss-n-tell girls, Ex-boyband dropouts, and all the other z-list dittoheads out there. It's bad enough that most television bandwidth is filled up with these montrously vacuous morons, but in recent years they've started swamping bookstore shelf-width. I mean those biographies are one thing, but now....oh these eeejits are ''avin' a go' at writing novels.

I don't know what hacks me off more; the fact that these pampered airheads are stealing business from the mouths of kosher authors (you know, the dull people who don't whip their kit off on some reality show, who've taken years and years to learn the craft etc etc), or that they think writing a novel is a piece of piss...

...sumfin to ave a go at, know wot I meean?.....init.

It smacks of rampant selfishness and egotism, and flagrant contempt for books in general, that the likes of Naomi Campbell, Britney Speers, Katie Price...think they can casually dust off a typewriter and bang out a novel over a couple of Sunday afternoons. I mean fer crying out loud, they've already made their millions, but no that's not enough. No...they've also got to go and steal potential book sales from the like of us.

Actually I don't know if it's these bubblehead celebs, or the publishers - that prostrate themselves before them and splurge huge sums of hard-earned profit for the privilige of publishing their inane witterings - that anger me more.


Am I sounding bitter? I needed to get that off me chest. Better out than in as they say. It's know, I can just about handle the idea that Jordan and Andre have had something vaguely interesting enough happen to them that it's worth putting into words in their autobiographies. But it's when these dunderheads cross the line, and start believing they can do anything...write a bestselling novel, compose a rock opera, invent a cure for cancer....ahem....act. That's when I find my hackles rising.

Uh now look...I've come out in my's all up my arms and across my neck. I need to go lie down somewhere dark, and play some lift-music in my head.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


There's been a lot of talk about that recently, stirred up mainly, I think, by two things; the acquisition of Ottakars by Waterstones, and Google's plans to digitize every book ever released.

I mention the Wottakars thing, because I suspect that move is probably a sign that bricks and mortar book selling is entering its final phase, as Amazon continues to sweep up most of the trade, and the likes of Tesco and Asda take the rest.

Amongst the pros in the business, there's talk that atleast two of the five link chain (Author-Agent-Publisher-Retailer-Customer) will either vanish or merge in the next few years. And it's obvious who those two contenders are, isn't it?

I can foresee the likes of Amazon and Google buying up publishers, and in the first instance publishing printed books, sold over the net, and later on, digitally downloaded.

The latter stage requiring a must-have digital reader to be designed. And I'm sure it'll be Apple who get in first with an I-read....something easy on the eye and delightful to hold.

IMHO, the big question is: how quickly will this happen? I don't know, however, if a book equivalent of the Ipod arrived on the market tomorrow, it would certainly act as a catalyst.

Friday, December 08, 2006


The last year has seen some seismic movements going on in the world of entertainment. What with YouTube appearing from nowhere overnight, and now everyone knows about it. I mean, blimey...first I ever heard of YouTube was four months ago, I think. And then there's all the social networking sites, MySpace, Bebo, and then there's Google preparing to totally digitize the book world.

The landscape in the last twelve months has changed completely, and the future, well it's going to be very, very different for all of us. Perhaps the biggest change for us will come when broadcast entertainment collapses, and I think it will pretty soon. Advertising revenue is vanishing quickly. It's finally become known to the big advertising spenders, that people spend far more time arseing around on MSN, grazeing through YouTube videos, or pushing around solitaire cards, than they are watching TV.

That money's now going elsewhere. And all those stations derive the largest portion of their revenue, by far, from advertising. In theory, they should go bust pretty soon, and with fingers crossed, SKY will crumble in on itself....thank god.

Leaving of course, only one major broadcast entertainment supplier; the one that DOESNT rely on selling us easy money (even if we have CCJs and a terrible credit record), or selling us sugary toxic fruit drinks for the kids, or selling us cars and holidays we can't afford...

Yes, I'm talking about the BBC. The one with the protected revenue source, the licence.

My hope would be that, now, no longer having to chase ratings to compete with those brash, noisy, crappy, ad-infested, trailer-trash digital stations...and thus, through neccessity, dumb down their content - we might once again see the return of quality TV from the beeb.

That's my hope.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006


Well, I finished editing LL today. I was in Starbucks as per usual, with my Estima black and a muffin, and put the final finishing touches to this version of the tale. It's been quite a substantial edit....much has changed with the conspiracy backstory, and there have been some shifts of emphasis on the three main character's travails.

I've also changed the ending in a way that should deliver an emotional climax that stays with you. It's one of my pet hates, particularly with thrillers, where the good guy sorts out the bad guys and thwarts their evil the nick of time. I've never understood why thriller writers stick to that template. It robs your tale of any tension whatsoever if you know the hero will ultimately always win....where's the sense of jeopardy? So...there is tension here in LL, somebody dies, somebody we get close to. I'm not saying who, but I'll say this....I honestly didn't know who it was going to be until the very last page.

Now, this has got to get past my agent and editor first. I'm not sure what they'll make of that. I think it's an ending that will stay in the reader's mind, they may well think it's too upsetting. We'll see....

Anyway, I'm done for now. There'll be another final pass when we approach the proofs stage.

Onto the next project - a screenplay. Something I'm working with my bro' on. I want to get a first draft in the bag before xmas.

And then after xmas, I really have to start thinking about the next goddamned book! Got some ideas, but they need a lot of gestating.

Monday, November 27, 2006


6. Shatner-style punctuation: Okay, I'm really, bloody, guilty, of...this. William Shatner (May God Bless this wonderful, powerful man. May he live long and prosper) mainly in his role as Captain Kirk, did tend to have a habit of over delivering his lines, pausing...between spurts of if each...clusterof words...held such profound importance.

I tend to shove loads of those three-periods-in-a-row thingies, in my dialog, only to have to bloody well delete them all out again when I'm editing. It's an annoying habit I've got.

But, I notice lots of other writers do it too, using either commas or hyphens instead of the triple periods. I can only presume, like me - they must be hearing - William Shatner reading out their dialog - as if - it's - Shakespeare.

On a side note, did you know someone has actually put together an algorythm for doing a James T Kirk impersonation? Yup, it can be summed up as a simple mathematical formula. Something like:

Pronoun x3 (protracted in length) Rest of sentence /4 (compacted in length)

So, let's give it a test drive shall we?


Thursday, November 23, 2006


I did a post on another blog a while back about the fun you can have with telesales calls. You know, I work from home, it can get a little lonely, so it's become something of a pleasant diversion playing around with these calls. At some point soon, I'll list the various games I play, they're all pretty harmless and something you can easily have fun doing yourself...that is, if you want to mess around with the mind of a hapless telesales person.

Anyway, thought I'd post this linky :

Absolutely bloody hilarious....I'm still chortling to myself as I'm typing this now. The man's a true genius.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


A-a-a-nndd here it is.

Alright, it's just a little cobbled together trailer, and not some big movie deal. Oh well, who knows? Maybe some Hollywood suit might catch a glimpse of it and...?


I could carry on refining and tweaking this sucker indefinately. For example the still of the B-17 is an obvious candidate for some more footage. But time is limited, and I'm busy editing my second novel which I need done by the end of November.

So hopefully whilst not giving too much of the story away, this teaser will get casual YouTubers curious enough to follow the web link at the end.

If anyone's interested, all the movie footage was made from scratch using 3D MAX, which is a modelling and rendering package I used to use for work in the games business. It takes years to get up to a professional level on MAX, it's just such a huge piece of software.

It's reassuring to know that since I quit my job and stopped using it daily...I haven't forgotten my way around it. Anyway, I'll be using it some more. I'm planning on doing a similar teaser for my brother's book UNDER THE EAGLES. That is....when the editing on LAST LIGHT has been done, the first draft of the XXXXXXXX (sorry, keeping this under wraps) screenplay has been written, and Xmas is out of the way.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


Been working on a teaser video for my debut novel. It seems YoutTube/GoogleVideo are proving to be a pretty good way to get some coverage.

Anyway, the top image is the ol' Dr Strangelove shot - Nazi atom bomb hurtling down towards Manhattan. Rendered in 3d MAX with some post video fx (eg: film grain and motion blur) to make it feel like actual footage.

The second image is part of a montage sequence. This image shows one of the main characters, a Luftwaffe pilot tasked with flying the German atom bomb across the atlantic.

The last piccy is from the title animation sequence...the lettering flies in, and the eagle 'burns' itself into the skyline. Quite effective technique that, and quite...sort of ghostly, in a way. Which is exactly what I was hoping for.

I quite like this one in motion.

Anyway, should hopefully edit this and the other bits and pieces together sometime next week then upload it to YouTube and see if it piques anyone's interest


(in a 'top ten' format...we all love that format really)

7. Brilliant AND Beautiful protagonists: why is it that the main character who's, for example, a forensic pathologist, has to actually be a BRILLIANT forensic pathologist? Not only that of course, he (or she) is stunningly attractive too, and of course incredibly funny and quick with the sassy comebacks. Oh...and yes, able to trade blows with the bad guy's henchmen, AND speak a second language fluently at a very convenient moment in the story. One thing that's guaranteed to have me tossing a book across my room is a SUPERhero. Gimme a regular guy who's just okay at his job, makes mistakes, doesn't fall into bed with every incidental character of the opposite sex, and you know...just looks pretty average.

Really ticks me off - characters like that. Crappy 2d hero stereo-types like that are why I never got any further than chapter 5 of The Da Vinci Code.

Sunday, November 12, 2006


I'm getting incredibly irritated by the prevalent habits, tics an cliches employed by writers these days. I would say I probably complete one book in twenty at the moment- my bedside table is cluttered with opened or bookmarked novels that I'm never going to bother finishing. I'm not going to mention any books by name, I think that's probably a little unprofessional to get into the whole rubbishing-the-competition-on-your-own-blog thing. It's just naff really. However...instead, what I'll do is list some of the things that really, re-e-eally grate as far as I'm concerned. I'll go for the ever popular 'top ten' format. We al love lists don't we?

10. Foreshadowing: usually this'll come in the form of a dream sequence, or a vision, hallucination, even a surfacing memory from the distant past. Occasionally it'll come in the form of a non-too subtle detail being inexplicably focused upon by the author. I really don't get why authors like to hint at their punchlines.

9. The Witty Narrator: I like the narrator to be an aloof and impartial observer. Describing things as is, NOT, butting in with wry and pithy asides. Certainly in 1st person, that's not an issue as you expect your protagonist to have his opinion on something, to have a sense of humour and use it. But the narrator?...He/she just needs to butt-out tell the reader what's happening and let the characters do all the emoting, cracking gags etc etc

8. Overweight novels: always get an author debuts with a fantastic, pacey piece of work, and then as the reputation (and sales) grow, the subsequent books get fatter and fatter. Quite clearly what's happening there is that the writer's ego is inflating - their editor thus feels less able to wade in with suggestions of sweeping cuts...because of course, the writing's so bloody wonderful, not a word of it can be considered superfluous. I just tossed aside a very fat book by a well known author that clearly hasn't been touched by an editor. There were appallingly dull, longwinded asides everywhere, utterly irrelevent subplots everywhere, and a seemingly endless cast of characters being introduced...virtually one every page...all of whom had lengthy backstories they needed to tell. *sigh*

(whinge 7-4 coming soon)

Friday, November 03, 2006

THE NEXT BOOK - editing.

I had a meeting yesterday with my editor and my agent to discuss the edits to my next book. It's always a tad disheartening when the feedback you get isn't 'It's a masterpiece...DONT CHANGE A SINGLE WORD!!!!!'

Alas, some words do need to be changed. This being my 2nd novel up on the blocks, I'm a little more used to the editing process, and ready for the grind ahead of me. is a bit of a grind.

See, as a writer, you sort of have this rather naive notion that having typed 'The End', it's done...the book is written, and a kind of end of term... school's out mentality kicks in. You flood out of your study, arms waving in the air, looking forward to a few months of chill out time before having to start gestating the next book....

...when all of a sudden your euphoria evaporates, and an email laden with editor's notes arrives, and you realise there's another whole month or so of rewriting ahead of you.

It's a grind, but then I know the book that'll come out the other end of this process will be much, much better. And when it finally goes to print, I'll look back and be so bloody thankful it wasn't the first draft (the one I thought was absolutely faultless, and didn't require a single change) that Mr and Mrs J. Punter will eventually get to read.'s time to head back to the coal face. I've got some ideas how to fix that plot loophole, and I think I know how to ratchet up the tension in the XYZ's race to get to XXXX.

Deep breath...okay here we go.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006


See?....there's my lad, first thing this morning (getting ready for school) admiring - not under duress I might add - this fantastically crafted homage to Nerd-dom.

May I draw your attention to those ruins in the foreground, lovingly carved from polystyrene with a stanley knife, and exquisitally dry-brushed (yeah that's a Nerd term...too complicated to explain to you Norms). Look at that detail....phwoaarrr

Ahhhh...a masterpiece. I'm almost tempted to abandon the writing career, march on down to Games Workshop and offer myself to them as a Nerd-for-hire.


I've got some work to do on novel number 2. I'm lunching with my editor tomorrow and he'll want to discuss the edits I plan to do....and more importantly, what I've got lined up for book 3. I really need to stop stroking my battlefield and go and do some desk-time.

And no, he's really not going to want to look at the thirty-three other pictures I've taken of it. to the meeting.

Monday, October 30, 2006


It was half term break last week. I wanted to find an activity that my lad and I could do together - you know - a little project that would bring us closer together...where we'd end the week surveying our handiwork whilst doing high fives and cracking open a couple of beers. (well okay, diet coke...he's 8)

I did some thinking. He's not really into much other than the Xbox, watching tv, playing some games on the PC...oh and I bought a copy of 'Space Hulk' off ebay some months back. He plays with the space marines, occasionally.

(By the the uninitiated, Space Hulk is a classic boardgame; a very pacey dice-n-figurines simulation of the ol' bug-u-like aliens in dark scifi corridors experience.)


So I thought, maybe I can get him sucked into the Games Workshop habit. A trip down there later, and we had a squad of orcs, some more marines and a few paints. And he's off and running, doing a not-too-bad job of painting the little fellas up.

Come half term. I thought, 'I know...we could make a little battlefield together.' That was the plan. It would be me and him, embarking on a craft project together. Nothing too spectacular, just a sheet of plywood, some glue, some of that sprinkly-on grass stuff. After all I wasn't sure he would take to it, didn't want to spend too much, didn't want to frighten him off with too big a commitment.

That was the plan.

Thursday night...or should I say friday morning....3.30am to be precise - I've turned his bedroom into a workshop, I've spent about £100 on nerd-tools and supplies, and I'm knee deep in insulation foam granules, glue, paint, sprinkle-on-grass up to the elbows, paint smeared across my face; basically it's that scene in Close Encounters where Richard Dreyfuss's character is building a model of 'Devils Tower' in his sitting room. My lad's bailed out on me two days previous and I'm all alone, getting a little too obsessed with the fine details, wife's gone to bed, my lad's having to sleep in the spare bedroom, and I'm there (accompanied by the first chatterings of the dawn chorus birds)...cackling to myself, marching a little army of orcs up a hill towards a beautifully crafted defensive position manned by a Terminator squad of Imperial marines, armed with bolters and power swords.

I remember that. Then I remember being awoken just after 10am by the wife. I never did manage to make it to bed - there was a small puddle of sleep-drool amongst the polystyrene ruins in the corner of our.....what am I saying? battlefield.

Point is, the father-son project kind of went a little off-piste. I'm seeing the warning signs of all embracing nerd-dom, (like the time I bought the Federation costume for....ah, no forget that.)

But hey, it's finished. It's done. It looks good and I'm hoping my lad will get some fun out of it.

But it's not finished, is it? There's that bit in the corner could use a few more boulders...


Saturday, October 28, 2006


I suspect everyone's seen this impassioned plea by Fox in support of the Maryland Democratic candidate, and the pro-stance on stem cell research. It was hard to watch. Painful.

I grew up on the Back to The Future films, as a kid he was one of my idols. I was surprised at how much it hurt to see him like that. It's not like we were buddies or anything, it's not like he's family; but still it was hard.

I think perhaps because we was so cool...once upon a time, to see this disease bite into him so visibly....sheeeesh. So, anyway, then we get the comeback from US shock-jock Rush Limbaugh that it was an act, exaggerated...that or he'd deliberately not taken his medication so that the symptoms would be that much more noticable when he did his bit to camera. I felt was pretty damned low.

But...I suppose, there's the counter argument, that if you enter the political arena, you're fair game. Arguably he might have over-acted, or deliberately 'forgotten' to take his meds. I think if I want to be reasonably bipartisan about this....I have to accept it's a possibility.

Anyway, Michael offered his response to that. Check it out...

You know what? I had a residual warm spot for the guy before all this blew up...a hang over I suppose, from my teen years. Well, after seeing all of this, I can now say I greatly respect the fella. And I'm further angered - and disturbed - at how mainstream US politics has drifted off somewhere strange and become dictated by oddball, theologically-influenced cul-de-sac issues.

This is the 21st century for crissakes. I simply find it unbelievable that religious sensibilities are defining the boundaries of future medicine.

But hey...don't listen to me jibbering away, make sure you hit that link above, and listen to a guy who's about a thousand times more eloquent than me on this subject, despite....being handicapped by Parkinsons.

Monday, October 23, 2006

UNDER THE EAGLE....photoshop fun

A movie poster I mocked up for Simon some years back. Can you work out which actors faces were used for Cato and Macro? Bloody obvious really....and shame on anyone who gets it wrong.


Sunday, October 22, 2006


This 'ere new blog allows the easy posting of piccies. Splendid - sort of opens up a whole new world of mischief for me.

Okay then...

...the stunningly attractive fella on the left here, is moi. You can think of me as Captain Picard's younger, slimmer, and generally sexier, non-Federation brother.

Alright already, I confess. I used a little Photoshop.
I had to airbrush out the full head of hair and add a few wrinkles, because, frankly, I was looking just too damn good.

(I was a little concerned transient readers might think I used a scan of some gorgeous catalog model to pass off as myself.)

Okay, sod it. I look like this. Alright? Not great, I know, but passable. Anyway, I'm a writer fer gawd's sake - I'm not going to be modelling thongs anytime soon. So look, I'll be sure to post piccies in my future posts. Should be fun.

*makes evil little chuckling sounds*

iBLOG let me here's a brand new blog


After eight dutiful months of making regular, incredibly witty, compelling blog posts, building up a huge worldwide audience of regular readers, who signed in daily to avidly devour my scribblings...ahem....iBlog have proven way too unreliable to use.

So now, back to scratch, a brand new blog. Oh well. Still, it looks very nice, and I'm sure we'll all get used to it.

Alrighty then. Anybody whose managed to follow the breadcrumb trail from the old blog to this new one, well done. The coffee's on, help yourself.

And hey, you...yes, you over there! That's right, you - the fella sitting at the computer; do me a favour, please, I'm beggin' ya!!! Reccomend this blog to two people you know, and hopefully I can recover some of that readership I spent the last bloody eight MONTHS BUILDING UP!!!!!

Ahem...sorry about that. Better out than in, s'pose.

Anyway, welcome dear reader. I make this solemn vow; I shall entertain you, intrigue you, maybe even squeeze a chortle - per chance a guffaw - out of you, every now and then. If you'll just come back to me. Okay?

Ach...enough grovelling already. I had you at 'sigh', didn't I?