Alex Scarrow

THE SURVIVORS - debut episode

2008-11-24T00:36:00.000-08:00

Last night's debut broadcast of the 70's series remake was certainly better than I'd anticipated given that it had Primeval writer, Adrian Hodges, writing the script. I was expecting a cast of freshly scrubbed beautiful 20-somethings, scampering around a 'deserted' filmed-at-5am London, looking catwalk-beautiful as they fight to survive.

Well, what was somewhat reassuring is the mixed ages of the cast. The main character, Abbey Grant, is a mid-30s mum, there's an 11 year old boy, the alpha-male Greg Preston
looks to be lat 30's and requisite bad buy sprung from prison looks about the same. The rest of the cast are generic 20-something lovelies.

At least it's a start; an acknowledgement that there are other people outside the golden teen-to-late-twenties sweet spot, who, you know...actually exist.

I couldn't help feeling the set-up of the virus was somewhat rushed. Given that the rest of the series (and possible future seasons) will be set in the aftermath, a little more time spent exploring the Big Event itself as events unravelled would have been more illuminating.

The big disappointment in my opinion though was the musical score and the title sequence. If any of you remember the title music and sequence to the original series, you'll know exactly what I mean - it was utterly chilling. This one is just, well, ho-hum.

But the dramatic score was, actually cringe-inducing in places, particularly the 'weepy' moments where the viewer is bludgeoned to death with swirling violins loudly announcing 'sad bit; please proceed to the nearest hanky dispensor immediately'. Actually it was worse than just unsubtle - it sounded dated, like the canned scores used by an 70's American daytime hospital soap opera. 'I'm sorry Mrs Pacelli, I'm afraid it's not good news...' (cue swirly-swirly-violins and quivering bottom lip)

All things considered though, given this could have been as ghastly as Primeval, as naff as Dr Who....I think Survivors did comparatively well. Good, even.

Good....that is, until I hold it up against far better scripted shows out there (Dexter, Battlestar Galactica) and realise we Brits are largely rubbish at producing big-concept drama. Give us a Jane Austin novel to play around with and we're fine. Give us something bold and different and we fluff it.

STREAMERS

2008-11-11T06:57:00.000-08:00

It's always a big day for me when I type those two golden words right at the end of a novel. A fantastic feeling, exhaustion and exhileration at the same time.

So, if you've just stumbled onto this blog, not a member of the Scarrow forum, then 'Streamers' won't mean a thing to you. So for you Passing Reader...in a nutshell:-

Streamers is a time travel series of novels for young adults. The 'streamers' in our title are our heroes; children and teenagers plucked from history a moment before their certain death, and recruited into a secret agency tasked with keeping history 'tidy'.

For, you see, with the invention of time travel, there will be those from the future who'll attempt to alter history for their own ends; neo-nazis who'd want the Germans to win WWII, Royalists who'd like King Charles to have beaten Cromwell...a Catholic church who'd have been more than happy if there'd never been a renaissance.

The first book's done. And it's dark. Very dark. And in places quite scary. If I were to try and sum it up, it's TIME BANDITS meets I AM LEGEND meets TERMINATOR.

It's a fun concept to work with - alternative history lines, 'what ifs', time travel, gadgets and gizmos, the future world, the past. And in between the action, an opportunity for characters from the past to see our present world, and alternatively marvel at our technology or pity our obesity/apathy. Plenty of room for some social commentary there!

So, whilst I've written it for a young adult audience, there's stuff in there that I'm almost certain may have to come out at the editing stage. Pretty grim stuff.
But that's for another day, when I begin the editing process. But right now, in fact, for the rest of today...I shall simply bask in the glow of having typed those two magical words...

'The End'.

OLYMPICS - OPENING CEREMONY

2008-08-10T02:05:00.000-07:00

Oh my...I watched the entire thing on TV. Which is a testament to how incredible it was since I never normally bother with the Olympics at all. Only a country so disciplined, so well organised as China could have pulled off something so remarkable. It was truly breathtaking.

And a little intimidating too.

I mean, I shudder to think how shambolic and embarressing our London 2012 opening ceremony will be by comparison. I have a nightmare vision of a ceremony that incorporates little more than an SClub 7 track and several dozen hoodies body-popping over our wonderfully expensive and politically acceptable 'urban' street-art logo.

Yup, we're sure to conjure up a pretty lame opening show, and somehow make it cost more than the entire annual budget for the BBC. The cost thing....sigh....that's a whole other discussion. There's a very good reason why the Olympics budget will vastly overrun, which maybe I'll moan about in a few days time. Suffice to say, if our Olympics isn't blown to pieces by radical islamists, it'll most likely be a monumental cock-up.

DR WHO-writes-this-crap

2008-07-05T12:10:00.000-07:00

I sat through the finale with my lad, because it's nice to do things together. But blimey...this was truly appalling.

I really don't know where to begin trying to analyse what was basically a butt-clenchingly, excruciatingly embarrassing SciFi pantomime. Coincidence piled on coincidence....exposition layered upon exposition, convenient gadget/plot device after convenient gadget/plot device, reunion piled upon reunion. Cheesey-weesey cartoon baddies monologuing like mad, naff dialogue from beginning to end. Clearly quite expensive stage set, badly over-lit with gaudy lights, MTV editing for over-sugared low attention-span kiddie-winks. The cornball romantic sub-plot with Rose, and that unfair slight of hand over the doctor's regeneration (specifically added to the story line to generate loads of tabloid press speculation as to whom would be brought in to play the next doctor) tsk tsk. Cheap shot.

Oh, I could go on and on.

Suffice to say this was the most awful example of (high budget) story-telling I've come across in quite some time. And that's saying a lot these days. About the only saving grace, were the plentiful and no doubt expensive CG shots, which were, you know...quite nice, but not anything I haven't seen before.

I know Dr Who is for kids. I know this is 'check-your-brain-in' entertainment, and believe me, I thoroughly enjoy big budget brainless sci-fi entertainment. I loved Aliens, Predator, 5th Element, Starship Troopers, Robocop, Waterworld, Independence Day etc etc. But this...this was so bad, so amateur it went sailing past being so-bad-it's-funny, to being so-bad-I-found-myself-nodding-off.

And yet, because it's DR WHO, because it's the good ol' BEEB, because it's become a British cultural icon it is forgiven everything - it's allowed to be utterly crap. In fact I suppose it's expected.

The only real silver lining to this ridiculous finale is that it marks the end of Russell T. Davies tenure as series exec' producer and lead script editor, and that job will now be passed onto to Steven Moffat (the guys who has written the better episodes eg: 'Blink').

What I shall hope for, when Dr WHO 'reboots' in 2010, is what I hoped for when the Doctor was revived in 2004(?) with Christopher Ecclestone as the timelord - something darker, smarter and basically...well, basically entertaining.

SPY SUDOKU

2008-07-05T01:39:00.000-07:00

A little coffee-time teaser for you. A game I came up with this morning.

Rules:
1. A room full of nervous people...and there are three spies in there amongst them.
2. The normal people are worried about having spies in their vicinity and their colour honestly depicts how worried they are.
3. Yellow people believe there is ONE spy in the nine squares surrounding them.
4. Red people believe there are TWO spies in the nine squares surrounding them.
5. But beware...the three spies in the room are well-practiced liars and can be appear as worried or relaxed as they want.

On which squares are the three spies?

FOOD HORDING PARANOIA - It's started!!!

2008-07-02T01:58:00.000-07:00

So, has anybody found themselves nervously beginning to stockpile food yet? You know, I can't help but notice how many more canned goods I'm seeing in people's supermarket trolleys these days.

I'll be honest and confess right now that we've started building a 12 week food reserve - which is the MINIMUM reserve recommended by FEMA in the states. (I've yet to locate any useful British Govt' emergency advice on food reserves).

But, sheeeesh....that's a lot of cans.

I did a back-of-envelope calculation of the number of cans of a hi-protein/hi-calorie food type...and chose corned beef (800calories per tin) because
of all the tinned products in the supermarket it seems to have the longest storage window (stamped with 2012 sell-bys).

Anyway,for the three of us we'd need between 600-700 cans approx.

That really is a helluva lot of cans.

I noticed though, browsing the net, that there are purveyors of freeze-dried emergency supplies, and these are cleverly assembled into 1person, 2person, 3person, 4person....etc 1 year 'complete survival solutions' with a storage window of 30 years! Again, the vendors are all US vendors who either refuse to ship abroad, or slap on punitive shipping costs.

Shopping around in good ol' ill-prepared-let's-not-panic-shall-we? Britain...I can find nothing like that so far, other than a few camping stores who'll sell you 2-3 day 'Ranulph Fiennes' branded hiking rations, at £8 a 'pouch'.

Does anyone know of a UK supplier of freeze-dried emergency food supplies? If so....please drop me a line or post here in the comments section.

One does hate to sound all shrill and alarmist...but frankly, I'm inclined to believe the next 30 years aren't going to be particularly pleasant. And what's more, I'd rather buy a year's 'survival solution', and not have to worry about checking it's sell-by until I'm approaching my 70th birthday, than keep browsing through my 600 cans that need to be consumed on an on-going basis and having to ask my wife to come up with increasingly inventive ways to serve up corned beef.

COURAGE

2008-05-30T10:05:00.000-07:00

If ever there was a person who deserves an award for courage and for truly understanding what is right, it's this woman - Carol Saldinack.

You can read the article right here, also see a newsclip of her discussing this.

Basically, she overheard her two sons brashly boasting about a man they'd beaten up and left for dead. Realising that if it had been one of her own sons left for dead in a pool of his own blood, she'd want to know who did it, she'd want justice brought to bear. So she called the police and handed them both in; a heartbreaking, but right decision.

I hope when the Queen and the government get round to compiling their list for this year's honours and awards, that Carol is right at the very top of that list...you know, above the TV celebrity honoured for 40 years of light entertainment, or the premier league footballer's medal for gallantry, or the retired MP's knighhood, or the BBC weather girl who's boosted her showbiz profile by campaigning against landmines.

APPRENTICE: week 7

2008-05-07T23:43:00.000-07:00

This evening's most gob-smacking momemt of drop-dead stupidity comes from Michael 'I'm a good Jewish boy' Sophocles. How the **** did he....hang on, let me just calm myself down.

Okay, I'm better.

Ahem...I'll start again. How did he think that a chicken could be made kosher by having it blessed by a Muslim cleric? Well the answer did seem to be, he invented his Jewish heritage to look good on the CV. But honestly, you'd think if you're going to invent that kind of detail, you'd learn the most well known word of yiddish - kosher.

Oye.

Apart from that moment. I thought the rest of this week's show was pretty lame - no different than watching a bunch of over-sugared toddlers scampering around someone's lounge looking for hidden easter eggs.

I'm not sure the right people went tonight - the two Jennys. They were both, I thought, quite strong candidates. I suspect they were victims of the hidden spectre that haunts this show like a dark shadow - the unseen Producer. I'd guess neither Jenny was a ratings winner...too sensible, too grown up, too boring.

APPRENTICE: WEEK 6

2008-04-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

From the very first minute of this week's episode Kevin 'Daffyd' Shaw's card was marked. This time round I saw who was going to get the boot a mile off.

The reason why Kevin's team lost are numerous; chiefly amongst these reasons though, was that the idea was crap. plain and simple. As soon as they gleefully embraced the 'send an eco card' idea, I turned to me other 'arf and I could see on her face the same bemused expression that was no doubt on mine....

...why the feck would someone eco-aware want to add to their carbon footprint by sending a bleedin' card with a message about not adding to one's carbon foot print?

The other reason Kevin's lot lost, was somewhat more painful to watch....Kevin's child-like performance pitching a concept he clearly wasn't particularly au fait with, and hiding behind grown up business words and phrases like 'market positioning' and 'retail foot print' and 'the'.

But the biggest question I have about this evenings show...and this is the one that has me seriously doubting the whole Apprentice set up...my question is this -

Did Tesco really place an order for 6,000 of these eco cards? Re-e-e-ally?

Hmmmm. I'm a little sceptical of that.

I for one shall be scouring Tesco's gift card shelves for these, no doubt very elusive cards, and should I actually manage to find one....I'm buying it. And I'm going to hang on to it for a while. It's going to be a collectors item...heck I might even eventually flog it on ebay.

Anyway Kevin's gone....no more Daffyd material for me then. Bugger it.

GRAND THEFT AUTO 4 - a pscho's wet dream

2008-04-30T01:23:00.000-07:00

I intend to buy it....just as soon as the dust has settled on the stampede of zitty chavs and wannabee gangstas.

As a piece of game design it's unsurpassed. As a graphics showcase, it's jaw-dropping. It's a game I want desperately to own, because of the free-form structure of the game, and because it's also a perfect research tool for a book I'm writing set in Brooklyn.

But, I gotta say...watching the Youtube movies of various kiddies playing the game, I'm genuinely chilled by what they're doing. If you can judge by these gameplay movies what it is the feral chavvies and gangsta wannabees want to get out of the GTA4 experience, it seems to be the opportunity to blast at woman's breasts and genitals at close quarters, to shoot at passing cars through the winddshield to get that rewarding blast of a horn as the dead driver's forehead slumps forward onto the steering wheel.

Don't get me wrong, as en ex-game designer and now an author, I absolutely DO NOT WANT TO CENSOR creative mediums....but observing the movies of gameplay thus far, I'm deeply worried about the nascent pyshosis displayed by a generation of hooded sociopaths planning their next virtual bloodbath as they lie in bed, presumably whacking-off as they reminisce over the last business woman they shot a dozen times in the vagina.

If there's any opinion beginning to form in my head now, any call to action....it's not to ban any particular game, or to apply limits on what can and cannot be depicted...but for us grown-ups to take a long hard look at the mental health of the generation growing up beneath us - our kids.

I can't help thinking that the gameplay movies I've been watching this morning, were put together by lads very similar in mindset (and most probably appearence - bullet-headed and dull-eyed) as the feral creatures that beat up Robert Maltby and beat to death Sophie Lancaster.

Bugger...I think I've almost talked myself out of buying the game now.

APPRENTICE: WEEK 5

2008-04-23T14:16:00.000-07:00

Okay...I like Lucinda, I really do, she's nice. But, I really expected her team to tear her to pieces and eat her alive this week. I thought Lucinda simply wasn't psychotic enough to lead them. So...what a pleasant surprise that someone taking the lead in such a pleasant, courteous, consultative way, managed to get a general thumbs-up from her team.

It just goes to show, that after being nominated project manager, you don't have to sit every one down and give one of those 'I'm-the-bleedin'-BOSS-geddit?!' type speeches, to get a team pulling behind you. A little bit of courtesy seems to get the job done just as well.

Lucinda...the Queen of 'Nice'......ahhhh.

On the other hand, we had Jennifer, the Ice Queen. Actually though, perhaps that's a little unfair. She's slim, attractive and cool - sadly, that means she's guaranteed to be portrayed as a bitch. There's no escaping it.

Poor lass. But hell...you just know it makes for the perfect tabloid headline, doesn't it? Something along the lines of....

'Apprentice: Nice Queen Vs Ice Queen'

APPRENTICE: Week4

2008-04-16T14:20:00.000-07:00

The wrong pair of nuts got lopped off this week in my humble opinion. I genuinely thought Sergeant Simon Smith was a contender for the last three, but alas....it seems that from the very first moment, his tenure as Commander-in-Chief was in danger from a combined Claire and Alex (or Kerry Katona and James Blunt) pincer movement.

Yup. The pair of them had it in for him from the get-go.

In fact, I'd go as far as to say...I suspect they actually sabotaged his project, or at the very least, dragged their heels as much as possible. I think they knew, that if their team failed, the entire team would be united in condemning Sergeant Smith's parade ground management style.

I'd hate to manage someone like Claire, really hate that....I think it would make every working day, a nightmare. Someone like her would grind me down very quickly. Someone like her would give me a nervous breakdown...at the very least, a severe facial tic.

So it was with some pleasure, that I enjoyed the non-plussed look on her mug when slimey young Alex stuck the blade in from behind at the last possible moment.

Made me chuckle, that.

Still...it wasn't enough. She got through. (Obviously a Production call - we all know a bitch like that makes for great TV....so she's safe for a while.)

Aww nuts. I like Simon.

APPRENTICE: WEEK3

2008-04-09T14:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I think I've nailed the apprentice I consider to be the biggest twat....it's good old Kevin Shaw.

A long time ago, I used to work in telesales, and the cubicles were full of guys like Kevin, who talked a good game, bigged themselves up, said they could do anything they put their mind to, and then left after couple of weeks, with cheeks blotchy-red from embarressment and egg running down their chin after failing to hit the basic sales target.

Hell, I failed too...but the difference was, I never trumpeted myself as a Gordon Gekko or a Jerry McGuire.

Basically then, Kevin seems to be something of a less-than-honest little weasel (as they all do I suppose at one point or another)....

Before: 'I know Italian food, guys. Yeah, certainly....I'm ideal being head chef. Oh yeah.'
After: 'Umm...No Sir Alan, I catagorically didn't want to be head chef. No Sir. No sirrreee. Nope.'

As for Simon, hmmm...I quite like the chap. I can why Alan quite likes him too. I suspect he considers Lance Corporal Simon Smith might be cut from similar cloth; a rough diamond with a bit of savvy. We'll see.

Prediction for a finalist? Well, it's still pretty early to make a call, but if I was going to shove some money on a couple of candidates they would be Lee McQueen (tall fella, dark hair...a poor man's Clive Owen) and Claire Young (Kerry Katona's marginally more attractive sibling)

APPRENTICE: week 1

2008-03-27T07:29:00.000-07:00

Comparatively photogenic bunch this time around, arne't they? No real mingers so it seems. I'm sure, of course, being relatively easy on the eye had nothing to do with the vetting process for the twenty thousand I-will-kill-to-get-my-own-way Apprentice auditionees.

They certainly managed to select a somewhat sociopathic bunsh of wannabess, this year. I'm not sure which guy says 'I will cut from my life anyone who stops me getting what I want' in the opening title sequence, but I really don't wouldn't want to get a sneak glimpse of his dark fantasies. I wouldn't be entirely surprised if he's got a Jamie Gumb styled basement someplace where he's quietly fashioning a woman-suit from tattered strips of human skin.

Anyway.....

...a promising opening with bitchiness on the go from the very start. Fun watching Alex, the first project manager for the fellas, working on his blame gameplan after only the first couple of hours. Okay...maybe £5 for a lobster does sound a bit on the cheap side, but full credit for barrister Nick, being the one to go and figure out they were taking a beating on that front, and then report back promptly.

This week...I think he was the wrong guy to go. Peronsallu, I'd have picked Raef, who's already getting on my nerves with his pompous Brian Sewell, mouth-full-of-plums accent.

WHAT DOES THE END OF THE WORLD LOOK LIKE?

2008-03-03T08:10:00.000-08:00

...well, I guess it starts out looking like this.

If you can't be arsed to read the article in the Independent, the gist is this....even though the world is turning out bumper crops of grain, mass starvation is on the horizon principally because a growing Chinese and Indian middle class have enough money to consume meat, which is rapidly hoovering grain harvests (it takes 8lbs of wheat to 'make' 1lb of meat). That and the demand for bioethanol, mean food staples will become increasingly scarce and increasingly expensive.

I read an essay by an economist a while back that stated that, according to his calculations, a population of 2 billion could be sustained indefinately on this planet, at a living standard comparable to that enjoyed in the west. We're now approaching 7 billion...and every one of them wants that lavish western lifestyle.

It doesn't take a genious to realise, we're on a path to someplace very ugly. Putting Peak Oil aside for one moment, we face a whole load of other 'Peaks'...Peak Uranium, Peak Food....Peak Water for crissakes. The bottom line is we're exhausting every resource, and we're doing it horrendously quickly.

What can we look forward to? A war between the 1st and the 3rd world? A war between China, Russia, Europe and America over dwindling supplies of available food? Food rationing...food rioting?....that's just a look at the availability of one type of food stuff. It gets worse when we fold in issues such as energy security, political, racial and religious differences.

Bottom line...too many people for one planet. But we knew that. It's just one of those things that one doesn't say in polite company, because it elicits further awkward questions such as....if there's too many people around, how are we going to lessen the number? Which bunch of people most deserve to be removed? Which bunch most deserve to stay?

Awkward....very awkward.

THE G SPOT CONSPIRACY

2008-02-22T03:22:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'll be first to admit I'm a little naive when it comes to the nitty gritty of making whoopsie, with...you know....a lady. I'm married by the way, so let's not make any premeptive assumptions here about my sexuality - I'm as red-blooded and able to talk cars/sport/Hifis as the next man.

Anyway, I've always considered the 'G spot' to be something of a myth. It's not, as some fellas will think, the clitoris - that little nub of flesh most attentive blokes will rub with all the sensitivity of a blacksmith grinding down metal. It's actually never been medically identified. It's the sort of X-factor of the vagina, you've either got it...or you ain't.

Something of a thorny issue I suppose. If you're one of the 40% who do, life holds so much promise. Whilst the other 60% are doomed to a life of smiling politely at their partners...as they dutifully grind away.

An interesting report on BBC's site today, showed that some Italian scientists have identified a slightly thicker bit of the front wall of the vagina appears to house the G spot. Reading the article I'm not entirely convinced though....it all sounds a bit ambiguous. What I would be more convinced by would be something that looked like a button - preferably large, with 'push me' stencilled on the front.

Yup...I'm a typical fella in that I need 'absolutes' not wishywashy answers. I don't want to hear that it's some nebulous 'region' of flesh that's slightly thicker in some woman than others, I want a damned component, dammit....something I can see, and aim for.

So until somebody in a white lab coat can photograph some explicit thingy and explain how it works with a nice big diagram, I'll continue to be something of a sceptic, and suggest that the G spot, has more to do with a woman's state of mind...or....perish the thought, the dexterity and skill of her ape-fisted fella.

ROWAN WILLIAMS and SHARIA LAW

2008-02-08T00:09:00.000-08:00

Well, what a buzz of response to this story. I listened to the radio interview yesterday morning on Radio 4, and I was thinking then, as he spoke, that the phone lines very soon were going to be melting.

What has quickly happened with the story though, as always seems to happen, is that the media have very deliberately turned what was said it something that wasn't. They've taken his comments out of context in order to get headlines that will have all of us decent folk coughing and spluttering into morning coffees. I've yet to see the tabloid headlines this morning...but I can pretty well imagine what they might be.

So...what was Williams advocating? Well...he's a very 'woolly' speaker that's for sure, using ambiguous, carefully chosen phrases, and it does take a little work to unravel what his intended message is. However....I believe what his message was, was this:

'Why don't we allow the muslim community to arbitrate their own disagreements amongst themselves...using the acceptable elements of shariah law as a framework?'

Now looking at this, in the cold light of a new morning....I really don't think I have a problem with it. And here's why:

a. it already happens in muslim communities
b. it's no different to the Beth Din court system used by the Jewish community
c. it doesn't usurp, contradict or replace British civil and criminal law

What Rowan Williams rather inexpertly did, was announce what is already going on in a clumsy way that's got us all worked up over absolutely nothing. I suppose, the silver lining in this sorry little episode that no doubt will sell a lot more papers, is that I have been reassured by the almost universal condemnation of any kind of religious inroads being made into the legal system of this country.

And that's something, to be honest, to feel very comfortable about.

DODGY AMAZON REVIEWS

2007-12-17T06:58:00.000-08:00

Since being published, I find myself checking in with my books on Amazon from time to time, and becoming quite familiar with the various abuses of the system that are going on.

For starters, you can spot the author-under-pseudonym reviews a mile off. Usually they award themselves 5 stars. The review is usually only a couple of paragraphs, presumably because they fear waxing on at too great a length, they might give themselves away. But the real give-away is when you go and check the reviewer's other reviews and find, surprise, surprise, there are none. It's as if said reviewer had winked into existence just to post the one (glowing) review, and then vanished into obscurity.

Poor thing.

I think of these as 'phantom reviewers'...and they usually puff into existence, as if by magic, after a particularly negative review has been posted. And they don't come in ones. Oh no....the phantoms miraculously appear in two and threes, post their gushing 5 star opinions, and then disappeared amidst a cloud of wishful thinking.

So hmmm...it does seem a lot of authors are out there playing a bit of a dodgy game. I do think it's damaging the value and integrity of Amazon's review system that there is so much of this going on. As well as an author I'm a big reader and trawling for something new to read, I rely very much on what other readers have said about a book.

So bad is the proliferation of author-authored reviews, that the only reviews I'm beginning to trust are the negative ones! Even then...I suspect some of the really bad 1 star reviews are either posted by rival authors in an attempt to spoil each other's potential sales, or acquaintences from an author's distant past - perhaps some old school bully who's stumbled via Friends Reunited or Facebook onto the fact their one time victim actually managed to achieve something...or an ex-partner looking to stick an anonymous boot in.

I'd like Amazon to tighten up this system somehow. I mean, it's so open to abuse, that bigger name authors now have Web Pr companies busily heaping praise on their books no doubt hiring an army of monkeys to cut and paste generic glowing-praise reviews for their clients.

*sigh*

I'm Back!

2007-12-13T01:20:00.000-08:00

Woah...it's been 3 months since I last posted. That's really lame. I should perhaps explain myself - work really. The last novel, AZRAELS WHISPER proved a real bugger to finish. Hardest thing I've written. Anyway, the good news is, having handed in a 1st draft to my editor some weeks ago, he came back yesterday loving the book. Yes, of course, there are some issues to tweak and retune, but most importantly it's not the disaster I thought it was.

Now, I've got to try and work out why I thought it was a disaster. That's the tricky bit. Well, I've done some thinking on it, and I suspect I was measuring the book against my previous one, LAST LIGHT, which was a work of passion. Nothing I write will compare to that I think, at a personal level...because I realise now how much of myself I put into it.

Anyway, point is AZRAEL is a wholly different book, and yes...I'm confident now that it's a good 'un. It'll be even better when I get in their and tune the engine after christmas. The only real bummer about the book - one that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later, is the title. My editor didn't like it, said it sounded to 'high fantasy'. And he's probably right there.

So, I need to get my cap on and start thinking about something else.

X FACTOR: Campaign to De-rail the show

2007-09-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

They did this in the States recently. Some enterprising young bloggers in the USA set up a campaign where they implored potential phone-in voters to deliberately vote for the worst performers of the night. After a few weeks the show became embarressingly unsustainable as the remaining acts got progressively painful to watch, and the programme was being shown up as the complete sham that it is.

Here's a link to an article about it.

I'd really love to see the same kind of campaign to derail the show, start up over here in the UK.

C'mon we know it isn't about musical talent. It certainly isn't about seeking original talent. Actually, it's about finding a squeeky-clean, saturday-night singing/dancing act that fits the bland 'Light entertainment' cookie-cutter.

Having watched this evening's boot camp show, I've finally had enough of seeing the more interesting, unique acts being filtered out in favour of the bland, plastic-looking, nasal-sounding R&B clones.

Sorry...I've reached the gag-response stage. I just can't take it any more.

What's more, I want to be part of some movement to show this country's lazy TV content makers that enough's enough. Television viewers in this country are just as bright and discerning as the TV viewers in the States, and we know the piss is being taken out of us by them. So, you know....sorry, but **** off. I can't stomach it any more.

I'm sure there are others out there who feel the same way. I'm sure there are other bloggers out there who've posted a similar call to arms. Hell...let's unite. If you're up for it, pass a link to this blog to anyone you know. Let's really screw over X Factor and the production company behind it (who, by the way, earn millions per show off the phone-in dividend). Because you see....if 6 weeks in, they're left with the worst six acts, they'll start losing viewers as people realise it's no longer a proper contest. With viewer ratings sliding, so will advertising revenue, and that's when the ITV content buyers will have to start to question whether the X Factor talent show formula has finally run out of steam.

Okay...roundabout this point, you're wondering about the ethics of this, right? The good acts I'm asking people to vote off, instead of the crap acts...? Well, look, the good acts, the guys/girls that really can sing and dance - know this....they're already signed up by talent agencies, and believe me, their careers stand a much better chance of longevity by going out early. Seriously. They will thank the day that they didn't burn out on too much Saturday night exposure early on. Trust me.

So, you up for it? Will you pass this blog on to someone else? Do you want to see Simon Cowell shake his head with bemusement and squirm with embaressment at the live show as it gradually gets worse and worse?

Come on...let's do it.

WIP UPDATE

2007-09-18T15:39:00.000-07:00

Well, I passed the 100k mark on Monday, and I'm hoping to wrap this novel up on friday at roughly 110-115k words.

It's been a hard book to write, this my 4th novel, and I really can't fathom why that is. My best guess is that this one came after Last Light, which was a work of passion. This 4th novel I've always viewed as a very commercial book, very much in the same mould as A Thousand Suns, a commercial book, but not a work of passion.

I'm now approaching the climax...and climaxes are usually fun to write, from quite an early stage I tend to know how I want to end it...so this should all be straight forward. That said, there's a lot of story threads to tie up.

When I'm done, I'm taking a week off. Then I'll be back to edit it throughout October, then come November, I shall probably start work on a film script, whilst I farm this manuscript out to a handful of trusted beta readers.

XFACTOR : the abusive girl

2007-08-27T01:20:00.000-07:00

I think her name was Rachel, wasn't it?

Whilst I have to agree with the judges that she didn't seem to have that great a singing voice, it certainly wasn't that bad, and better than one or two they've let through in the past.

However, what worked against her was of course the attitude. The judges clearly want pliable little starlets who will play the game, speak when spoken to, be all gushy and teary and endearingly grateful for the opportunity handed down to them from on high. Not someone who's going to give 'em a mouthful.

Rachel in actual fact, demonstrated the near sociopathic levels of self-belief and tenacity that most young musicians looking to break into showbiz actually need to get them there. It's that kind of ruthless arrogance that underpins - I suspect - most of the successful people we see on our TV sets. Let's be honest, it's that kind of self-serving nastiness that got Sharon Osbourne and Simon Cowell up the slippery pole of the music business. (not so sure about Loius...I think he's too much of a nice guy to have fought his way up).

What I suspect the judges didn't like was that Rachel was a mirror on their past lives, back when they were nobodies and had to be complete shites to get on, effortlessly stabbing rivals and competitors in the back to make their way up.

I personally would have said yes to Rachel, because I think she had enough of a voice to work on, the grim-faced tenacity to practice and practice and really transform herself...plus, she would have made for fantastic telly.

You can imagine it can't you? On the final 12 shows where the punters vote for 'em....the stream of beep-heavy invective at the general public for not appreciating her talent when it came her turn to be booted off.

Boy, they missed a trick there.

Ah yes...X factor, every year I get sucked in, every year I nearly choke on the rancid stink of hypocracy coming from the judges and the show's producers.

GENDER REASSIGNMENT...

2007-08-23T10:35:00.000-07:00

...I'm opting for it.

I'm fed up being a bloke, I really am. From now on I want to be known as Alice Scarrow. Don't get me wrong, I'm not confused about my sexuality. I definately do not find men attractive. And that's the point....

...I'm completely fed up with men.

I'm fed up with the inate aggression that bubbles just beneath the surface of many specimens of my gender. Listening to the radio this evening, I was appalled at the mindless, motiveless shooting of that poor boy, Rhy Jones, in Croxteth. I was sickened by a shooting in Hertford sparked off by one car, fender-bending another. I'm sickened by the appalling abuse of women and children going on in Sudan, Sierra Leone, Somalia, and in the recent past in Bosnia. I'm sickened by the mysogenist (sp?) attitude be...ahem....certain faiths I dare not mention for fear of prosecution (under recent ill-concieved statutes) or worse....a revenge attack by some zealot.

Men.

It seems every act of mindless violence, every cruel act of torture, every bit of abuse, nastiness, every little bit of shitty attitude...comes from some testosterone-loaded member of my gender.

Of course there are exceptions. The few blokes I consider friends, seem to be very much the exception to the rule...gentle, considerate souls. But every pub, or bar I pass at night, seems to be full of red-faced, brutish bulldogs ready to mash a broken bottle into your face at the mention of the right trigger word.

And hey...I'm not directing my venom exclusively at British males. God no. In fact, I consider members of the male gender in this country to be comparatively less aggressive than quite a few other places in the world. No...there's no racial or nationalistic slant I want to put on this. I've just generally had enough with the male of our species.

So I think I'll opt out.

I'm not after having my manhood removed, and I'm quite happy with my goatee, and I really don't want to learn to talk with a higher pitched cadence....I just don't feel like being associated with the barbaric, cruel, simple-minded, aggressive, shaved apes that share this planet with the other, generally more pensive and placid half of the homosapien species.

Until I can be convinced that otherwise...I think I'd prefer to be considered not male. Hmmm, but maybe not Alice Scarrow...that's going a bit too far.

I think for now, I'd like to be considered an IT instead of a HE.

MY JFK MOMENT

2007-08-12T01:13:00.000-07:00

The weirdest thing happened to me in London on Friday. I was in central London, at a cafe/resaurant off Oxford street, sitting outside in the warm evening, under an awning enjoying dinner with my son, wife and niece.

We'd just coompleted our main course - pizzas and bread, and were moving on to ordering pudding. The waitress arrives at our table with a jug of water and four tumblers, places them down on the table, clears our plates away, takes our orders for pudding.

A few moments later pudding arrives, we just start tucking into them when....

....one of the tumblers exploded, shooting shards of glass across our table, one or two on neighboring tables, shards out on to the pavement. It exploded. It didn't crack as perhaps it might if the glass had just come out of a very hot dishwasher and then be chilled by an ice cube.

It exploded.

Ten seconds of astonished silence followed. Then for some reason, my mind concluded it could only be one thing. A sniper. Obviously now, I feel like a complete tit, but at that moment in time, processing the available data...in my mind, that's the only thing it could have been.

'Sniper!' I blurted. And dragged my family inside the restuarant. The momentary panic spread to a few other customers, who had seen the glass explode, or recieved glass fragments on their table.

And so we cowered inside the restaurant, looking on as pedestrians on the street carried on as normal, cars and mopeds passed....and nothing further happened.

Fifteen minutes later, we all realised there probably wasn't a mad sniper firing from some building nearby, and that perhaps I might have over-reacted. The waiters went outside to sweep up the glass, shaking their heads with bemusement....and I shuffled umcomfortably under the withering gaze of the other restaurant guests.

A somewhat embarressing moment.

Anyway, they knocked the price of desert off our bill, so that was nice.

Still, I really can't explain why that flipping glass tumbler exploded like it did. And at the back of my mind I'm still thinking it was a sniper...not neccessarily some high powered hunting rifle, but maybe a kid with an air rifle? There's really no other explanation I can think of.

SCARROW vs JK ROWLING

2007-07-26T09:22:00.000-07:00

Isn't it typical?

My big break-out novel LAST LIGHT... a thriller touching on a HUGE issue that affects everyone - an issue that literally is right round the corner from us...came out in the same bleedin' fortnight as Harry Potter. Not just any Potter book of course, but the last one, the one everyone will want to buy.

You go into any book shop now, and you'll find atleast 25% of the table space that would otherwise have been devoted to new books coming out, filled with Potter books. And of course, my book, the one that I had hoped would be the Big Issue novel of the summer, the one that would stimulate debate in every living room across the country, will quietly vanish to the anonymity of A-Z in bookstores around the country.

*sigh*

Sadly in this business you only really get one bite at the cherry; a window of about 12-16 weeks where the book gets a chance to sit up front in the store on one of those center tables and hopefully grab the attention of browsing customers with a wonderfully eye-catching cover.

Well, that window was lost to Harry Potter. Marvelous.

I never stood a chance.

Well, I'm not a quitter. LAST LIGHT will come out in paperback next year. I'm hoping it won't coincide with the paperback release of HP7...I really am. But, sheeesh, let's think positive. It won't coincide. And LAST LIGHT will have a chance - on those center tables - to attract the attention of tens of thousands of customers casually grazing for a summer read.

And then of course, whilst I may not have a marketing campaign, there's always word of mouth. I stumbled upon this page of reviews for LL the other day. None of these people are my mum. None of them my best mate. None of them are me reviewing under a pseudonym. These reviews have come from total strangers who picked the book up because something in the cover attracted their gaze.

Here....take a look for yourself: Waterstones Page

There's hope yet. Word-of-mouth....it really is the lifeblood of unknown authors. Without people prepared to take the time and stick a few words of review up on the net, newbie authors like me would be wholly screwed.

HEROES - First impressions

2007-07-25T14:30:00.001-07:00

Hmmm....the jury is out, as far as I'm concerned. I'll whittle this down into a list of Good and Bad.

The Good:

There were moments which were mesmeric and pleasant. For example the hallucinatory cut aways of the guy who thinks he can fly. Mainly it's the music and the musing voice-over...it's nice.

I liked Hiro, the Japanese guy who can teleport. I believe in that character, I believe there are plenty of nerds like him around the world, who look like him, sound like him and believe the same zany stuff as him.

I liked some of the no-holes-barred FX...the pokey-outy rib cage on the cheerleader, the sawn of skulls. Pretty grisly, but encouraging that this'll be a post 9pm watershed viewing experience.

The Bad:

Oh where do I start?...I know, the catwalk cast.

Why, oh why, oh why...do US tv shows feel the need to populate their shows with tall, athletic, impossibly glamorous characters with really cool hair, and marvelous bone structure? Every time I see a character like that I feel the urge to turn over and watch something else. Impossibly glamorous people like this don't live in the real world, they live in CelebrityLand...to me, they are not real people, therefore I simply do not care for them.

I mean take a look at the image above; the glamourous webcam hooker-mom, the glamorous brilliant Indian scientist, the glamorous flying doctor, the glamorous high school cheerleader....the glamorous artist guy, his glamorous girlfriend....I really couldn't give a toss about any of them.

On the other hand, the Japanese guy, and the tubby cop...now, I felt they looked more like real people, therefore I was instantly ready to empathise with them and their storylines. It's really not rocket science. Cast real people and you'll get the audience onboard much quicker.

There was some painfully in-yer-face expository dialog in the first few scenes. That's annoying perhaps to other writers who recognise when a conversation is taking place between two characters simply to get the viewing audience up to speed on the story. You know what I mean, the kind of dialog that goes:

Character A: 'But Bob, you know your father always hated you?'

Character B: 'Ah yes, he did, ever since I first discovered he was working on discovering XYZ. He had no time for a little kid like me.'

Character A: 'And that always affected you Bob, didn't it? That your father hated you? So you went to University to prove yourself to him?'

etc etc.

That kind of dialog usually comes in thick and fast near the beginning of a show/film as the writer desperately races to educate the viewer so he'd ready for the plot to begin. But, you know, a good writer does it subtly, a bad writer doesn't.

In Summary:

I'm going to stick with it for now. It is an interesting premise, and I like that most of the budget will end up on the screen and not in the back pockets of a recogniseable celebrity cast.

But...my biggest moan is the insecurity American Tv/film producers have, insisting on catwalk casts. Really, it's okay, the viewing audience can handle non-gorgeous characters. So pssssst...here's a quiet tip for you casting pro's guys:-

...ordinary tv-viewing people like us, actually prefer normal looking people, okay?

END OF CIVILIZATION...as we know it?

2007-07-16T03:52:00.000-07:00

On a monday morning, about four years ago, I recieved a chain email. It was pretty short and went something along the lines of 'Peak Oil, have you heard of it yet?'...and then there was some plea tacked onto the end for me to forward the email to everyone in my contact book.

Well, of course I didn't. Not straight away at least. Curious, I googled 'Peak Oil'. And that was the moment my perception of the world changed. How I viewed pretty much everything in my life, around me, on TV, on every shelf in every shop in my town, county, country...the world, was changed by what I discovered throughout that monday morning as I followed a breadcrumb trail of websites and statistics that nearly turned my hair white. I discovered that there are hundreds of websites devoted to the subject, some sites screaming that the end of the world was nigh, others dispassionately discussing the idea. And thousands of people who are already 'in the know' and either panicking hysterically, or quietly preparing for the future.

So before I go any further, let me sum up what Peak Oil stands for.

It's the point at which the global apex of oil production has been reached, the point at which production begins to slide downhill - largely due to exhausted oil fields. Some say this apex or 'Peak' is still decades away. Some say we're passing the peak right now. Some believe we passed over the peak back in 2000-2001. If you take a position roughly halfway between the pessimists and optimists, then you're looking at a peak roughly about....now.

The ramifications of a rapidly diminishing supply of oil are actually quite horrendous. It's not just that you'll find it harder and harder to fill up your car. It's far, far worse than that. We're talking food production plummeting and bottoming out, power-outs, riots, anarchy. We're talking flashpoints between India, China, Russia and the USA over the final viable oilfields in central asia. It's not a pretty picture, and an argument can be made for this really being...the beginning of end of civilization as we know it.

Or put another way...the end of the oil age.

As a writer, this is the kind of stuff I'm always on the lookout for. Thrilling, frightening, sobering material. However, as a regular guy, a husband, a dad...it's depressing as hell. Knowing that there's nothing I can take for granted any more, really does suck the joy out of life. I knew, though, that I had to abandon the book I was planning to write and instead write a book about Peak Oil, and that I'd probably have to do it within the context of the classic thriller template:

A guy who knows what's coming and trying to tell the world.
Bad guys trying to stop him.
An exciting chase
...and a thrilling climax, where the good guy wins.

But you know...I didn't want it to fully conform with that standard template. I didn't want it to end with the good guy thwarting the bad guys, the status quo restored, and everyone happily getting on with their lives. Instead, I wanted the end of this book to be chilling...not reassuring. I wanted it to end with everything falling apart, to be a crystal ball for what the future has in store for us, unless we seriously get our act together and start weaning ourselves off oil as soon as possible.

So...

The book comes out in the next couple of weeks, it's called LAST LIGHT. Of course I'm hoping for sales....a lot of sales. Partly, because for my own sanity I want to see Peak Oil becoming a phrase buzzing across news stations, headlining papers, being discussed in book clubs, in pubs and bars and to generally raise awareness of that ticking clock. But also, I want sales....a lot, because I need enough money to buy a remote island somewhere, build a bunker, stock it with food and bottled water, build a wind turbine or two and hunker down and wait for the end to come.

Right okay I'm joking there...or maybe not.

nb: I made a trailer for it. Which some people have found a little unsettling. And there's of course the obligatory Amazon link.

LIVE EARTH:...oh come on

2007-07-07T14:28:00.000-07:00

Anyone seeing the irony here? I'm watching Madonna right now, as I write this. Fantastic stage show, fantastic danceing, music, lights...I mean, the entire stage backdrop is a mosaic of powerful 1000watt coloured bulbs, simply mesmerising and beautiful.

She's standing on that stage, in front of let's conservatively say, a million watts of lighting, prattling on about global warming and carbon burn. And the entire audience is like 'yeah...burning energy is like really bad, dude.'

I'm rendered speechless by such a staggeringly blatant demonstration of hypocracy, which Madge isn't entirely to be blamed for...she's just cynically working on her celebrity profile. No, I blame the organisers for putting together a show that signals on so many levels the wrong message, whilst supposedly soap-boxing the right message.

And I blame the entire cigarette lighter-waving audience in the auditorium for bleating the green message along with Madge whilst contributing to the horrendous carbon burn of tonight's Live Earth orgy by making their various car/train/tube/bus/taxi journeys...to come along and support the good ol' green message.

Sheeeesh. If you want the cynical self-serving shits in power to take the global warming message seriously, this simply ISN'T the way to do it.

*sigh*

EXPRESS TICKET TO HEAVAN

2007-07-03T00:07:00.000-07:00

The spate of failed bomb attempts in the last week, and rumours circling through the intelligence community of a 'hot summer' have put terrorism right in front of us on our breakfast tables again.

In amongst the same old talking heads, saying the same old things on Newsnight last night as they discussed exactly WHY suicide bombers are queueing up to be blown to shreds, I heard a very interesting comment from a Muslim spokesman, whose name I only heard once - Hassam Butt(sp?)...I really can't vouch for the spelling of his surname, as I only heard it once at the end.

Anyway, Hassam drew everyone's attention to the fact that, contrary to conventional wisdom, these 'home grown' bombers aren't going to their deaths with a grudge or as a protest. These are not disgruntled, 'disconnected' outcasts from the western world (in fact, the latest batch appear to have qualified doctors amongst their number) they are in fact very normal, largely content with their host nation and with no major axe to grind. One might even go as far as to say, they're not even particularly fussed over Palestine, nor any more anti-war than most other people in the UK, nor are they frothing at the mouth to convert us Infidels to Islam...

Nope...none of that....that's at best, incidental. The curious point Hassam made was that it's not anger, or conviction, or protest that's making them do this...it's sheer joy.

His point was (and to be fair to him, I'm not directly quoting), that at some level in the Islamic community, clerics are convincing young men that sacrificing your life this way will put you directly on the express elevator to Heavan. And I suspect, Heavan is pitched to these susceptible young men as sounding very much like some kind of Ultra-Exclusive, members-only Club 18-30 holiday resort.

These guys, Hassam said, aren't going to their deaths with a sombre face, and a parting tear-filled curse at this evil world, instead, they're grinning like cheshire cats, like over-sugared and over-excited kids clambering aboard Disneyland's Space Mountain...and eagerly awaiting for that rollercoaster ride to paradise to begin.

That, I find absolutely terrifying, because you just can't fix that. If it was a protest, then perhaps you could look at the grievance and in some way deal with it (if of course, as a society, you've decided to bow to this kind of protest)...but, like I say, if Hassam is right, these guys don't really care for anything...

...other than getting to this cool-sounding Heavan-place as quickly as possible, that is.

BOOKS V2.0

2007-06-26T15:04:00.000-07:00

This evening I went along to a panel discussion hosted in Norwich about the future of the book industry. There was a panel of industry bigwigs there, and between them, I think I got a pretty good glimpse of what this industry is going to look like within the next 1-5 years.

And let me just say, it's pretty much what I thought would look like. I wasn't so far off the truth when I posted this a while back.

I should mention the panelists, if not by name...by profession. There were three. One was the MD of a leading Literary agency, the other was the CEO of a major publisher, the third was a 'digital media guru'. I think it would have been interesting to have someone representing the retail end of the book business...say, from somewhere like...umm....oh yeah, Tescos.

Now before I go any further, let me just quickly explain what I mean by the term 'writer-to-reader chain'. It's the journey a book currently takes from the pen of a writer to getting into the paws of a reader.

Writer > agent > publisher > bookshop > reader.

Anyway it was interesting to hear all three of the panel discuss the issue from three different perspectives. The publisher guy and agent lady were pretty much saying the same thing, that retailers almost certainly will be squeezed out of this writer-to-reader chain. But ultimately, like a balloon that's still too heavy, someone else may have to jump. Because you see, in the near future the chain will look like this...

Writer > ???? > reader.

A writer's work will be downloaded by readers onto their groovy splash-proof, drop-proof, easy-on-the-eye eBook. There will be no need for printing presses, warehouses or bricks 'n' mortar retailers. All there will be is the literay equivalent of iTunes; some body who will gather up, organise, cross reference and host digital files.

I could imagine the top echeleon literary agencies banding together and forming some kind of premium quality literary brand, that filters the wheat from the chaff. After all, whilst having lots of choice is nice, no-one wants to have to wade through the written-word equivalent of YouTube. I mean how many badly written proto-Tolkien fantasy novels can one possibly digest?

No...there'll need to be some business whose job it is, is to filter out the less desirable stuff, and then nicely organise the good stuff into easy to navigate pigeonholes. And to some extent, isn't that what Lit agencies already do?

Arguably it might be a much-reduced-in-size publisher or two who'd fulfill that role. Perhaps it would be a very small hybrid of both types of business. But one thing's for sure....there's going to be a big commercial die-off, and surely it'll be the largest animals that will come a cropper first.

Anyway, bloody interesting panel that was.

Oh and yeah...you sceptics out there, yes you!....the one's that think eBooks will never happen. Think again. It's round the corner, it really is. It's just one sexy design curve away from taking off believe me.

WIP UPDATE

2007-06-20T05:21:00.000-07:00

So today I hit the 50k mark. Officially, I view this as the halfway mark since as far as I'm concerned, anything less than a 100,000 words is too short to think of as a proper novel.

But that's just me...I like a chunky book.

Anything over 100k is good...usually though, I tend to overrun by 20-30k.

I'll be honest. Over the last few weeks I've had writer's block. I really don't know what to put it down to. Whether it's 2nd book paranoia....but for some reason I'm experiencing it on my 3rd? It's been weird and somewhat deppressing. Writer's block is possibly the worst affliction a writer can face. The best way I can describe it for people who don't write is...

...it would be like getting up in the morning, taking the train to work, sitting down behind your desk and completely forgetting how to do your job....just as the phone starts to ring, and the first business meeting you're due to host is about to start. It's bloody unsettling feeling.

Anyway. I think I'm past it now. The words are routinely coming out again at the usual rate of approximately 1,500 a day. And events are moving forward, characters are dying and the blood's being splashed around.

Which is a good sign.

And I'm already seeing in my head, the trailer I plan to make. And that's a really good sign.

APPRENTICE: Inspiration Vs Perspiration?

2007-06-14T00:06:00.000-07:00

This week's task I found the most compelling. What a fantastic challenge. And, for the very first time, I was astounded at how well the apprentices performed, particularly the finalists and project managers Simon Ambrose and Kristina Grimes - to deliver presentations of that quality, and have produced building designs of such breathtaking beauty in such a short time?....I was dumbstruck. Does beg the question though...how come the 'professionals' out there, given months...years to plan and budgets of hundreds of millions to play around with ,produce so many ugly buildings that come in over budget and late?

Anyway, I digress...

...Tre provided some interesting screen time with his building-looking-like-a-boat idea. Which was roundly scoffed at by Rory (I AM your boss) Laing...but frankly is no worse an idea than many of the turgid eyes sores that have been green-lit in the capitol in recent years. It was fun watching Simon and Tre buddy-up again, that great double act tweedle-dum and tweddle dumber....however, it seems Simon saw sense towards the end, and cracked open the door for Rory to steal in and deliver an eleventh hour design that was absolutely Dubai-esque in its grandeur.

Kristina's team by comparison was a little dull. As usual she ran it with ruthless efficiency, her blood chilling cackle echoing from various meeting rooms.

But enough picking over the show's hilights...let's get to the important question. Did Alan pick the right one?

Well here's my final tuppence-worth on this year's show. Simon is creative, imaginative, inspirational, and scatterbrained. Katrina is a no-nonsense, arguably 'drop-dead' smart, workhorse.

If I were Sir Alan, and I was genuinely looking for a senior manager to leave my business affairs to so that I could begin to take it more easy and enjoy my retirement...then Kristina was the clear winner. I would consider her a VERY safe pair of hands.

But, we know that this isn't the case...

...the entire series is merely a very entertaining talent show. We know the boardroom isn't really Alan's boardroom...it's a studio set.That girl who sits outside isn't really his receptionist, she's an equity card-carrying actress. And...Alan really isn't going to trust a significant portion of his business empire to the winner of a gameshow.

For that reason...because in the end, it was only ever just about entertainment, not business, Simon had to win. Lovely bloke, charming, endearingly quirky, Simon was the clear winner.

And to round off....wanna prediction from me?

Okay, expect to see Simon parting company from Alan in about six months with some 'creative differences' being cited by Sir Alan's press officer. And then keep your eyes peeled for Mr Ambrose. I can gaurantee you'll see him again on TV, quite probably alongside Ben Fogle and presenting some Antique/Car Boot sale/Nature programme.

Meanwhile...discreetly, Kristina will land a role somewhere in Sugar's megalithic organization.

PONDERING POTTER

2007-06-11T04:59:00.000-07:00

A recent article here LINK on how the last Harry Potter book is costing the industry shows how bleedin' ludicrous things have gotten in the world of publishing in the UK. With this last installment of HP, it should jolly well be feast time for booksellers - selling the book by the wheelbarrow for loads of loverly profit. Instead, everybody seems to be competing with each other to hand copies of it over to the public...at the cheapest price, and the greatest loss.

How did this industry allow itself to get so silly?

By comparison, lets take a look at how some other industries cope with a hot product that everyone wants.

Video games: The Wii, Nintendo's latest console is taking the world by storm; everyone wants to grab a Wii. But, do we see GAME giving the console away at a below-than-wholesale-price? Nope. Instead, they're making a nice healthy 50% margin there. And in fact, in Tokyo, where demand is ridiculously high, retailers are charging for well over the RRP for the console. LINK

Movies: the Lord of the Rings trilogy were the must-see movie three years in a row. Did cinemas suddenly decide to halve the price of entry to see the movies? Of course not.

Music: iPods....everyone wants one. Are they being given away at half price? Ahem...no.

So why is it booksellers are shooting themselves in the foot? Well...the loss leader theory is usually trotted out in answer. Which goes along the lines of...Joe Punter comes in to buy his Harry Potter book, and whilst he's there making his purchase, he's supposed to be seduced by all the other books lying on those central tables around him and spend loads of luverly dosh on a stack of novels he wouldn't otherwise have considered buying.

Hmmmm. Not sure that's actually happening.

Joe Punter isn't doing that. Joe Punter has come in specifically to get his fix of Potter, will grab it, pay for it and bolt back home to read it. In actual fact, he's not even likely to put a single solitary foot inside a book store to buy it anyway - preferring instead to grab it whilst shopping with mum at Tescos. Or he'll just order it online from Amazon.

So surely, the smart thing for a bricks-n-mortar bookseller to do, is to stock a few copies of the latest Potter, (after all, you can't not). Stock say...a dozen hardcover versions, sell them at the RRP and simply accept you aren't going to shift hundreds. Which is fine...let someone else lose money on two hundred units of product sold below cost, and have a little snigger at their expense...suckers. See, I'm really not convinced by the loss leader argument that booksellers are putting forward. I've got a deep suspicion that your average Potter fan is not that much of a book worm. Nor for that matter is your average Dan Brown fan. I suspect they're the one-book-a-year-beside-the-pool type of customer.

Now...why the hell is this trade bothering to chase people like that? Does one book a year from each member of this category of customer really amount to that much money in the coffers? Especially, I might add, when they're getting the book virtually given to them?

*sigh*

APPRENTICE: KATIE

2007-06-06T13:59:00.000-07:00

Whoah. What a dramatic denouement to this week's show. Wow. For those of you who saw it, you know exactly what I'm talking about. For those of you who didn't...we'll come to bit that at the end shortly.

The interviewers then - the same three blokes I believe that were used last series. Old golfing buddies of Sugsy, no doubt. I do question their ability, their expertise to interview at this level. One of them, called Paul if I recall directly, I thought was blatantly inept at the job. I found him implausibly rude, and unprofessionally vulgar. He kept cutting over the answers the candidates were giving him. Hello? Earth to Paul...you're actually meant to be listening to what they're saying, not hogging airtime with your own pithy come-backs. Idiot.

And what of the apprentices? Who performed the best? Well, I'll be honest. I thought Lohit gave some of the smartest responses, seemed most at ease in the interview chair (from the footage shown, that is). A very cool customer. If I'd been one of the interviewers he would have been one of the two favoured candidates.

Tre was Mr Bull****. Sadly. Over the last eleven weeks I've really grown to like Tre. But unfortunately it seemed he was all hot air - working from his 15 different international bedrooms...sorry...offices.

Simon, I loved Simon...ohmyGod, he was like Dustin Hoffman in RAINMAN, rattling off those factlets about Sugar - a monotone stream-of-consciousness of jibber-jabbered facts, with an obessive-compulsive leg twitch that had him almost shuddering off the chair onto the floor.

Kristina, the tangerine-coloured Oirish feckin' bulldog. Yes, very reliable, and from the first few moments of tonight's show I was certain she'd get through. Oh yes. She's this year's Badger alright.

And then, there was Katie Hopkins. Yes. This takes me to tonight's startling ending. For those of you who missed it...here's what happened:

About halfway through the making-your-mind-up session in the boardroom, ol' Sugsy comes out and says, 'Katie, you're going to be one of my last two'. Katie rather oddly, doesn't leap into the air, doesn't even smile. She just flushes and looks down at her feet. Alan then goes onto to deal with the other candidates, and then after a while, realises she isn't behaving like someone who's won. He comes back to her and asks what's going on....at which point, she announces their might just be some personal issues with her relocating.

And here's what she does.

She falls on her sword. She announced that in all fairness, she couldn't rob the opportunity from the remaining two (Simon and Kristina) and offers her resignation.

Leaving, I thought, Alan looking a little bemused and off balance. How ironic, that Katie, the one candidate that everyone has been describing as brutally ruthless, without a moral center, was the one person in this entire series to to push her chair back and walk away from the table....to demonstrate at least an ounce of selflessness.

After the other two - Simon and Kristina - had left the boardroom as winners, Alan and his two cronies then discussed Katie, deciding I thought rather unkindly, that she was just 'playing her own little game'.

That's truly ironic really coming from them.

After all, the Apprentice ISN'T a job interview, not really....it's a game show. It's peepshow TV.

The job isn't for real. I don't think for one moment Alan spends any real time with the winner. He/She will basically get the £100k cheque, will go through the motions for a few months, and then we'll read about them in THE SUN parting company from Alan in about 6 months time.

Katie 'playing her own little game'? ... they're the ones 'playing a little game', I believe.

LAST LIGHT - early feedback

2007-06-06T02:58:00.000-07:00

Okay at this stage, with the hardback due out in July, there will be a few hundred people who have in their hands what's known in the biz as the 'uncorrected proof' for LAST LIGHT. This is a limited run of the book, complete with typos and dodgy typographic layout and a cover that has yet to be finalized, that is sent out to reviewers and book dealers to generate some 'heat' in advance of the actual release date.

It's at this stage that as a writer you will start to get the 'uncontaminated' feedback...ie: feedback from people who don't know me, don't work for the publisher, haven't had anything to do with any earlier drafts. This is when you will begin to know for sure whether you've just written a complete turd...or not.

Needless to say...it's one of the more un-nerving stages in any book's life cycle.

So, it's with a gasp of relief, and the celebratory pop of me opening a can of Redbull that I'm going to sit back and savour this first little tidbit of feedback.

Linky

It's a crime/thriller news-n-review site authored by a guy called Ben Hunt, who used to write a column for the Financial Times and freelances now. And right now...is my bestest mate ever.

Okay, so...now I'm going to sit down for five minutes. Give myself a pat on the back, maybe tell myself how wonderful I am.

Then, go back to working on book 3...and all the self-doubt and self-loathing that comes with writing a new book.

SUNS: A Heat Seeker!

2007-05-31T03:50:00.000-07:00

A THOUSAND SUNS actually managed to climb to the top chart position in what is known in the book trade as the 'Heat Seeker' chart. This is basically a chart of the books that are moving up the national paperback chart...most quickly.

Typically, a new book by someone like Archer or Jilly Cooper might hit the number one spot momentarily because the first day of sales would transport them from off-chart to somewhere in the top ten. But then, obviously once in that top ten, their book has only nine more slots that it can possibly climb at best. Which means they'd disappear from the 'heat seeker' chart as quickly as they arrived. To be replaced by an unknown like, say...ahem...me....who manages to climb from position 80 to say 42.

So anyway...that's what happened a few days ago. My humble little debut novel had a bloody good 2nd week, climbed way up the national chart, and made a spectacular appearence as NUMBER ONE in this Heat Seeker list.

I'm gob-smacked. No...really. I'm stunned.

There's been no high profile marketing (as yet). However it appears WHSMITHS has got behind it, and I notice WATERSTONES and BORDERS are pushing it with '2 for 1' and '3 for 2' deals.

Anyway....jeeeez, I'd like to think this blip lasts through the summer. If it does...IF it does, I might just have a future in this precarious book business. I might just sell enough books (in between the usual glut of Celebrity Biogs that seem to gobble up most book sales, that is) to be able to keep tapping away on the typewriter.

Failing that. There's plan B. But, no....I'm not ready to even think about that, let alone talk about it.

*shudders at the thought*

Anyway, if you're vaguely interested as to what seems to have grabbed enough people's attention to propel me up to such giddy heights, here's a link to my book on AMAZON.

Linky

And gosh-darn if you want your interest piqued still further, you could have a look at this trailer I put together for it.

Linky-wink

APPRENTICE: NAOMI

2007-05-30T14:19:00.000-07:00

Yup, given that it was her and tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum, it was obvious she was for the boot the moment the results of each team were read out.

I'll be honest, I've not been not a big fan of Naomi's. She seems sensible, smart, quite confident, articulate and so on. Very good suit fodder I imagine, but she makes for dull TV. Whilst Simon and Tre - tweedle-dumb and tweedle-dumber - on the other hand, are eminantly watchable buffoons.

Tonight's show, was undoubtedly Simon's show, once again. Selling a selection of products to a nation of QVC and auction channel addicts - "Mavis"s to use Katie's terminology. Well now, Simon's little task was to sell an exercise trampoline. I spurted my coffee over the desk when he was assembling that little trampoline, screwing the legs on...

(if you missed the show...he was screwing the legs on a small exercise trampoline. But the way he was holding the little legs in both hands, with the trampoline itself resting against his groin...well it looked very phallic)

...and the ill-conceived soundbites he was muttering as he worked at screwing on each stubby little leg, took on delightfully new meanings;

'...just grab the little thing in both hands...'
'...you'll get it off in a jiffy...'
'...now, kids and adults can do this together...'

Ahh, it was priceless comedy. And then to add a whole new level of visual mirth to the proceedings, he decided to demonstrate the product by climbing on and bouncing up and down on top of it doing mincey little star jumps. For some reason he reminded me of Mr Bean.

The other moment worth a quick mention was Kristina's excruciating spell in front of the camera, fumbling with a floor mop and cursing 'Grrrrr Jeezuss Mother o' God Grrrrrr'. There was a hint of Reverand Iain Paisley in that gravelly twenty-a-day voice of hers, as she throttled the mop whilst trying to attach that daft-looking doily - the purpose of which I never really understood - to the top of it.

'Grrrr-feckin-bleedin'-little-shite-grrrrrr' (okay she didn't say that...but I'm sure she was thinking it)

Anyway, an odd, but very enjoyable show tonight. From this point on though, it gets serious. And I fancy next week the show's number one comedy couple (the tweedle twits) will finally be parted from each other.

That'll be a shame when it happens.

APPRENTICE: GAZALL

2007-05-16T14:33:00.000-07:00

It was quite cringe-making this week watching both teams mess around with the dark art of harnassing and packaging urban 'cool'.

Well that's what I spent the first half of this week's show thinking. Then gradually during the second half it, after they'd had the Ad agency pros make their pronouncements, it occured to me that deciding whether someone has got a bit of branding right, depends a helluva lot on how confident we are in the person/people doing it.

With the apprentices, we know they're not Advertising Creatives, so we fully expect that what they'd churn out what would be - in Tre's parlance - BollocksShit. Whereas, in the hands of some hugely expensive agency, we assume what they churn out is doing the right job...even, and this is the important bit, even...if we don't get it.

It's something to do with that naieve trust we have in the expert.

So with that thought in mind, I thought they're JAM and STREET campaigns were actually not that bad, particularly given they only had 2 days in which to do it. I've got to ask myself what exactly have those hugely expensive agencies done for Reebok, Adidas, Nike? You know, other than hire in VERY expensive sports/pop icons (Beckham, Magic, Cent, Snoop etc etc) and film them with grainy film stock? Hmmm?

Anyway, back on topic. I think the right team won, and yes, I think Gazall was a weak team leader, and ripe to go.

Tonight though, for me, the star of the show, was Katie. (Yes Simon was an inspiration, and did indeed, to my utter surprise, sound very, very black) It does seem that everyone's out for Katie, calling her a snake in the grass et al....but sod it, she seems to be the only apprentice who can really give Sir Alan a run for his money in the boardroom. I'm going to stick my neck out now, and predict she will be a finalist.

That bee-atch Katie....the ho' got sole.

APPRENTICE: How Low Can You Go?

2007-05-09T13:57:00.000-07:00

Ooooh, it got very personal didn't it? Very nasty. And I think tonight I saw a tiny glimpse of something at work....the producer's hand, the power behind this show, a little bit of deus ex machina.

Let me explain.

It goes back to last week's episode. Katie (horsey-looking posh blonde) was having a bit of a thing with Paul 'I-can-cook-sausages' Callaghan, the guy that got booted out. In Katie's absence, Katrina (orange skinned, hard faced and Oirish) let it be known to Sir Alan that Paul and Katie were getting it on together, which was why Paul had elected not to drag Katie in, and dragged Katrina in to the boardroom instead.....personal reasons see. A big No No in Sir Alan's eyes.

Okay...back to this week.

Katie ends up in the boardroom, as does Adam. And Adam's main reason for dragging in Katie, is because 'her head was down over Paul leaving'. Actually, it wasn't. But that's irrelevant. Katie and Katrina, enemies last week, were decidedly cosy this week, and one could see they were going to present a united front in getting rid of Adam, come what may.

But oh no....a united front isn't that interesting, is it? Nope. Not exactly great TV.

So Sir Alan 'clumsily' lets slip that last week Katrina might have spilled the beans on the Paul-Katie thing going on. In other words, letting Katie know her new best friend, sitting right beside her, was busy stabbing away at her back last week.

Now, they were definately setting things up for an ugly cat-fight in the boardroom. That much was obvious. That's what they were really hoping for I suspect. The camera was zoomed in on those flushed cheeks. They'd lit the proverbial blue touch paper and retired....waiting for an explosion.

Didn't happen though did it?

The more this season runs, the less inclined I am to laugh at the all-too-human mistakes made by these all-too-human apprentices under pressure, and to cast a cynical eye in the direction of the Big Sugar and the invisible program makers themselves.

It's not the inmates I'm looking at now - not any more. Hell, we know how people are going to behave if you put them under intense pressure, play them off against each other, dangle a huge feckin' carrot in front of them, and ram a camera into their face 24/7.

What's more interesting is how low the producers will go to get a rise out of these people.

P.S. Whilst Im thinking about it, I reckon I'll just quickly mention 'nigella beans' here at the end. Because you can guarantee the world and his wife will be googling that tomorrow morning. Oh yes.

SUGAR-COATED FORTUNE

2007-05-08T08:10:00.000-07:00

You know, despite Alan Sugar adamantly claiming otherwise, I really don't think he could make his millions all over again if he started once more with just his transit van and a hundred quid. This is a claim he's made to his Apprentices several times now - that he could do it all again...no problem.

Hmmm. See, I have a strong suspicion that most self made multi-millionaires like Sir Alan made their fortunes NOT because of their business savvy or their communication skills, or being able to sniff out that 'golden opportunity'....and don't get me wrong, these are all important contributary traits....no, they made their fortunes simply because they were lucky to be in the right place, at the right time with a fistful of money to invest.

During the last twenty years, I have had the honour of working alongside a variety of energetic, 'drop dead shrewd' people who have worked their proverbial bollocks off, and yet achieved no notable success.

It really does p*** me off when the rich and successful grab full credit for their success, when in fact there are many other factors, beyond their control, that ultimately decided their (good) fortune. Sugar appears to be one of those people.

By contrast, take a look at Richard Branson, who concedes that his fortune was the result of luck falling his way on more than one occasion...most notably when his first significant business gamble involved betting everything on the success of Michael Oldfield's Tubular Bells. Richard Branson knows that luck is fickle, it will pick you out or pass you by.

And yes, Donald Trump has exactly the same exasperating air of arrogance about him.

In their defence, I'm sure either would come back with 'well, I've been bankrupted several times, each time bouncing back...makin' even more!'

Sure, but the point is, the first time they made it, they also made all their contacts, made friends on the golf course, forged strategic friendships with investors who would happily help them have another go. And that's not just for old times...there's that self-fulfilling belief that someone who's made a fortune once, can do it again.

Really...if I was surrounded by a pack of wealthy billionaire patrons who respected and believed in me, I reckon I'd have to be a bit of a dummy not to turn that goodwill into a small fortune.

WIP UPDATE

2007-05-06T13:25:00.000-07:00

I'm up to 17k.

So how's it going? Well, I'm beginning to like some of my cast of characters. I have two groups of characters, ones from the present day story line and ones from the past. The present day characters are a breeze to write, they're inspired by people I know. So I know how they talk, how they react to things - no brainer.

The characters from the past are a little more problematic. See, I don't want them sounding like people from the past. I want them to feel contemporary, thus allowing the reader to empathise more easily, to see themselves in this historic setting. But at the same time, making them sound contemporary, I can't have them using any phrases/words that are clearly of modern origin. It's a fiddly thing to balance, but so far, I feel happy that I've got it. I do like one particular character though, who feels like a backpacker, very modern - like a gap year med student, yet he's a traveller in the 1800s.

So far the story is being set up. But now I'm nearly at the stage where some big events happen that set all the really cool things in motion. So I've got some meaty chapters ahead to look forward to.

WHSMITHS PROMOTING MY BOOK

2007-05-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

Yup, check it out if you happen to wonder into a WHSmiths this month. 'Best New Talent' promotion, on a rack (hopefully) near the front of the store. It's an interesting arrangement. There are three or four 'new talents' they are promoting, of which I'm one. Each promoted book is linked to two other books in such a way:

'if you like BOOK A and you like BOOK B...then you'll love THIS NEW BOOK'.

So, my two books that I'm being likened to are an interesting combination, one of which I'm flattered by, the other....hmmm. The two books they've used to promote mine are POMPEII by Robert Harris and POLAR SHIFT by Clive Cussler.

Also, of note. I believe A THOUSAND SUNS is in ASDA right now. Which is nice.

APPRENTICE: Paul 'shambles' Callaghan

2007-05-02T14:00:00.000-07:00

This week's boardroom showdown was butt-clenchingly painful to watch. It was probably the most uncomfortable to behold so far.

Paul 'silverspoon' Callaghan, frankly, was utterly mauled to death by Kristina. He was victim of a drive-by Kristina-ing. Not only did the tango terror lassoo then lacerate him with her caustic whip of a tongue, she then steamrolled over him, reversed, and did it all over again.

Normally, I'd side with the underdog going into the boardroom. I dunno...maybe it's because I squirm at watching such a fragile featherweight having an arm ripped from its socket by a big ol' bruiser (intellectually speaking). But tonight, such a brutal end was justified.

There were many f*** ups, but I think the one that felt most cringeworthy was Paul 'Army Boy' Callaghan's transparent attempt to look all Andy McNab-like with his improvised baked bean tin cooker. For some reason, it reminded me vaguely of Ross Kemp's cameo in EXTRAS - trying to convince Gervais's character, Andy Millman, that he can kill a man with just one hand.

As it happened, under fire from hostiles across the table (and enduring a hefty volley of blue-on-blue), Paul seemed to quickly fall apart, ending up stammering and punch-drunk; a casualty with flushed cheeks and plenty of egg on his chin.

I'd hate to go toe-to-toe with a ruthless killing machine like that Kristina. She may be bright orange, but I'd take her very seriously.

Anyway...this week, I think the correct bozo got the boot. A no-brainer (the decision, that is.)

A THOUSAND SUNS

2007-04-26T13:35:00.000-07:00

Just in case you've stumbled across this blog for the very first time, I'll take this opportunity to draw your attention to this:

Linky

(Btw it is only 2mins long, not 5mins. Something went screwy uploading it)

Well, if that trailer intrigued you, you might like to know, the book has been shortlisted by the Thriller Writers Association in the US for Best Debut Novel. You might also like to know, it's coming out in paperback on May 3rd. You'll find it in your Waterstones/Borders/WHSmiths.
Or, I suppose, you can always cut out the middlemen and buy it direct from my shop:

Linky

Anyway, commercial over, back to slagging off Alan Sugar, and giggling over his latest inept gaggle of apprentices.

APPRENTICE: Drop Dead Stupid

2007-04-25T14:23:00.000-07:00

Natalie...nice Natalie went this evening.

Hmmmm, she was right though, it was hard to pick a candidate to scalp and eviscerate before the altar of the Big Sugar. Perhaps, this time, there really wasn't a candidate who deserved Sir Alan's boot up the botty. I thought, for the first time in this series, what a nice bunch of hardworking young wannabee-suits they were.

No hissy-fits, no back stabbing, no alpha-candidate chest beating...for once they all seemed to play nice. Sheeeesh, I even found myself warming to Tre, Hell, I actually found him utterly charming.

In fact, I think this is what The Big Sugar should have said:

'You know what? Nobody screwed up this week. The team that lost, did so simply because they had the misfortune of picking a pompous and talentless sloane.'

Yup, the utterly charmless Elizabeth Hoff, with her gaudy, over-priced-Athena-Cards...yes, those tacky photographs of lips.

Ugghh

So completely repulsive was she, that she actually managed to make this series' motley collection of Sir Alan Botty-lickers, look like a very respectable and humble ensemble of people. Bitching about the walls, the labels, the white wine...and then wheeling in her - obviously well connected - companion to tell 'em how to sell.

*sigh*

Actually, I think Adam, the used-car salesman, could probably teach Hoff and her manpanion a few things about selling, to be fair.

So, I'll round off this evening's rant with a few adjectives I picked a little earlier to describe the objectionable Ms Hoff:

Petulant, arrogant, pampered, talentless, privileged...and for good measure....greedy.

WIP UPDATE

2007-04-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

We're up to 7.5k

It would be more, but I'm actually in the process of moving house right now, which is getting in the way a little bit. But aside from the odd day of interruption, I'm trundling along at my usual 1500 words a day.

So how's it going?

Well, I'm the usual bag of nerves. Is what I'm writing actually interesting? Do these brand new characters who've suddenly winked into existence, feel like real people? Have I got an opening chapter that begs the reader to read on? It's bloody impossible to judge. At the moment I would say everything I've written so far is a load of pissing drivel. But then I felt that way when I started out writing A THOUSAND SUNS, ELLIE QUIN and LAST LIGHT.

I'll know when I pass it on to Frances (my wife) to get first read. But, yes, I'm confident for now. The concept is a strong one; it's an original treatment of a done-before idea.

THIS IS PRICELSSS

2007-04-23T05:12:00.000-07:00

Link

Oh this is so funny. It's a physics based sumo game. Only in actual fact, it looks like two young bucks stepping out of the pub at closing time, and kicking off at each other.

I actually, nearly wet myself first time I tried it out.

APPRENTICE: SOPHIE

2007-04-22T02:05:00.000-07:00

Oh why didn't she just stick to her guns? She started by saying, 'look Alan, sorry...I'm not prepared to sell something I don't believe in.' And then ol' Sugar said something along the lines of 'we all have to sell utter crap to people, it's called business.'

Excuse me? Surely that ranks up there with Gerald Ratner's clumsy, and incredibly damaging quip 'our jewelry is total crap'. Surely to admit so publicly that his billion pound empire is built on the principle of selling crap to people...aka Business....was a bit of an own goal?

I think Sophie had a classic opportunity to really deck Sugar...I would have thought. But Hell, easy for me to say tucked up comfortably at home, not quite so easy sitting there at the table facing him, his two high priests and a film crew of about a dozen. Then of course, who knows, maybe she did manage to comeback with with something sharp? You do know that Sir Alan gets final say on how each show is edited? Of course you did. That's how he ends up looking incredibly cool, witty, incisesive etc etc.

He controls the edit.

Aaaarghhh, I hate this show!!!! And yet I bloody well tune in each week for more of it. I despise the manipulation, the exploitation of these poor suckers after the...ahem...'job'. (Yeah, funny how this 'job' so far seems to last for just about a year before the winning apprentice parts company with Sugar. Hmmmm.) I hate everything about it, the message it puts across (it's good to be a selfish sociopathic git) the sort of canidates the show attracts, the pointless unbusinesslike tasks they are set...

...and yet I torture myself each week, and sit down and watch this crap. Ridiculous isn't it?

AND HE'S OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-04-17T06:32:00.000-07:00

I'm now off the starting line with my 3rd thriller. For obvious reasons I'm going to have to hold my cards close to my chest, but I can safely say:

-it's a contemporary thriller
-with a strong historical slant
-...and no, there's no Grails, Knights Templars
-....nor Catholic Conspiracy theories
-.....nor any holy relics, codes or scrolls.

It does have a working title, which I may change by the end, or keep. And the title is: AZRAEL'S WHISPER. (I may lose/change the second part....as I keep thinking of George Michael's Careless Whisper)

I shall endeavour to maintain regular WIP (work in progress) postings, complete with sexy progress graphics and a cummulative word count. And maybe...just maybe, I'll leak a bit more info on the tale as it progresses.

CELEBRITY HOSTAGE

2007-04-08T02:55:00.000-07:00

There you go...that will be next year's smash, RealityTV hit. Z list celebrities grabbing little motor dinghies and putting across into Iranian waters in order to get themselves abducted, paraded around on Iranian TV and handed back a fortnight later in a Primark suit.

Well, why not? Everyone's a winner. The Iranian's get to look really kind - by not beheading them, British diplomats get to strut around and announce how cleverly they've played the negotation game, and the hostages themselves gets lots of lovely publicity, a fortnight of free curries and a £100k book deal.

I heard about some sizeable payouts being offered on the radio this morning. And some guest columnist raised the valid point that families of soldiers killed and maimed in Iraq have to be satisfied with derisery payments of £5-10K, whilst these navy kids, get to walk away from their rub with the enemy like Celebrity Big Brother contestants. You can imagine there'll be a lot of bad feeling over this, festering among the armed forces, and their families. Not good.

The thing is, I don't know who you blame here. I don't blame those kids - the hostages. They're on pretty crap salaries in the Navy, and £100,000 is going to sound like an awful lot to a nineteen year old. I also don't blame them for not putting up a respectable fight, as some armchair Generals have been grumbling about. Think about it...there was nothing they could. They were sitting in a flimsy boat, packed in like sardines, surrounded by three or four boats with heavy machineguns mounted on them. There's no such thing as 'a respectable amount of resistence'. If just one bullet had been fired by the Brits, those machineguns would have churned them into a human soup. Different story entirely if they'd been on foot patrolling some suburb of Baghdad...there'd be hard cover to dive for, and the possibility of fighting back.

So anyway, I don't blame them for surrendering, and I don't blame them for taking the huge sums that have already been offered by newspapers, and even greater sums that will come from book publishers in the next few weeks. As somebody mentioned, what the Hell can you expect from a bunch of teenagers whose only understanding of the world is what they see on TV; money-grabbing celebrities behaving like pampered toddlers, desperate nobodies doing anything for 15minutes of fame and cash prize, and pernicious TV adverts cajoling them to 'go grab what's rightfully theirs...because they deserve it.'

It's just a symptom of the crappy society we've built for ourselves here in UK over the last twenty-thirty years.

APPRENTICE - And the winner is...

2007-03-29T06:54:00.000-07:00

Brand new season and a brand new collection of suckers prepared to demean and humiliate themselves for our viewing pleasure.

Okay, I know it's early days, but can you guess who's going to win yet? One candidate was obviously going to be for the chop early on, and that was Andy. But, what about the rest? Well, here's a handy tip when it comes to trying to predict who'll be amongst the last few candidates...

...you ready for my super-hot tip?

Check which few candidates are getting a suspiciously high proportion of screen time.

You see, this show isn't live, what you see each week, didn't happen last week...it happened months and months ago. Hell, I'm sure you knew that anyway. They shoot most of the series long before it airs, edit it, tart it up, add on all that spooky mood music. And all that of course takes time.

But, what it means is that the production team already know who has won, or atleast, which candidates are in the last couple of shows. And as they go through the hundreds of hours of footage and edit together each of the sixteen shows they'll edit-in a bias towards the final two or three candidates...almost implying to the unsuspecting viewer, that their wisdom is far-seeing, that they always had an inkling as to who was going to make it through to the end.

So watch for that. Keep your eyes peeled...who's getting the predominant share of screen time. So far, to my eyes it looks like the winner will be among these candidates:

Jadine: the men's boss this week
Tre: this season's 'Syed'
Gerry: this season's 'Ruth'

Obviously it's early days yet, but keep watching and I'm pretty sure by the end of next week's programme, the editor's I-know-who-wins bias will become more evident.

BLOODY PEER FASCISM

2007-03-20T16:31:00.000-07:00

This was once my problem, when I was a kid, a long time ago. I was never into the stuff all the other lads in my class were into, which was basically football back then...football was everything. I never had an interest in it, consequently I very quickly found myself alone at play times. I remember, as young as seven, being aware of the pressure being put on me by my class mates, to conform.

As it happened, eventually I did.

One Christmas I asked for a West Ham strip (since that was the it team back then) and a football, instead of what I actually wanted, which was an ActionMan and the ActionMan Scorpion Tank. I remember opening my presents on Christmas day feeling somewhat deflated...the football strip and the ball weren't the things I wanted, they didn't interest me in the least, and I remember really resenting missing out on my tank. But, this is what I had to do if I wanted any sort of company come play time.

Now I'm 40, and I have son who is nine. And I see him going through the same situation. He has no interest in football, or any sport. He doesn't get all his clothes bought from JJB Sports, he doesn't wear a burberry baseball cap perched back on a shaved coconut head. He doesn't have Wayne Rooney lunch box tucked under one arm.

And I think he's beginning to pay a heavy price for that.

He tells me the other boys in his class call him a girl, because he has longer hair than theirs. I've seen him emerge from school at the end of the day, alone, shoulders slumped and worn out from a day's worth of being isolated and ignored. And my heart aches for him. He asked to have his lovely blonde hair shaved off...to which I happily agreed - after all it's his hair. But then he said later on he didn't want to have it shaved off, but other boys in his class, were teasing him, telling him he should look like them.

It makes me feel so angry. My little lad is different. I'm not saying his special, or better, just different, that's all. And yet, the other little bullet-headed football clones out in the playground are crushing his individuality, crushing his spirit...coercing him to look like them, or face isolation, ridicule. As a kid, I just didn't have the strength of personality to fight back...I gave in and became a rubbish facsimile of them, going through the motions, pretending to be interested in West Ham, learning a few footballer names.

And it breaks my heart that he's having to deal with this same crap now. Only that pressure to conform is so much more intense now than when I was a kid. The whole sports label thing, the £45 football shirts, the £100 trainers. It's almost too much to bear...that soon, very soon, I'm going to have to part with lots of hard-earned money to dress my lad in labeled clothes that some unimaginative, slack-jawed football drone child, insists my lad must wear...before he'll accept him as a friend.

I hate that playground peer fascism thing...the way children can be to each other. And I pray that the sixteen year old lad that emerges out the other end of this deppressing, threatening, period of his life, otherwise known as his 'school days', will retain some of the individuality he went into it with.

Shit. If I ever, ever, earn enough as a writer...I'll pay for him to be home-schooled if that's what he wants.

WE'RE FOUR MEALS FROM ANARCHY

2007-03-08T01:05:00.000-08:00

Somebody sent me this link recently Linky

A fascinating article that discusses just how fragile our modern, centralized, societal system is. It's basically the root theme of my 2nd novel, LAST LIGHT - a novel that examines what would happen if oil production was shut down overnight.

Do you know, whilst I was writing this book, I kept asking myself how plausible it was:- I was describing a week, starting on a Monday when oil begins to dry up, ending on the Sunday with riots murder, anarchy turning the UK into something resembling a post-apocalyptic landscape.

I kept thinking...'nah, you're making things fall apart too quickly.' But I kept to that timescale of 1 week, because I felt it had the dramatic tension. I wish I'd stumbled upon that Times article above whilst I was in the process of writing the book though...it would've meant a lot less agonizing over the believability of the scenario.

Anyway, for any blog readers who have stumbled upon this blog for the first time, here's a link to the trailer for LAST LIGHT - it should give you a feel for the book.

BYE BYE SKY

2007-03-06T01:17:00.000-08:00

I was going to do a little piece to camera for this. See, like smoking, it took a couple of attempts to quit. The first two times I rang up SKY to tell them their services would no longer be required, the customer services operator (Indian) transferred me to her supervisor (Scottish) to...ahem...'confirm the details'.

On both occasions, this guy (and I'm sure it was the same guy) harangued me, haggled with me, berated me into staying with SKY, and finally, at the end of about twenty minutes of brow-beating offered me three months of the £45 package at about £10. I found myself saying 'yes', because he made me feel like I'd negotiated a fantastic bargain.

Hmmmm, very clever. The guy was a proffesional 'u-turner' - no doubt extensively trained at some secret SKY training camp, to turn customers around and keep them with SKY.

Anyway, three months elapsed recently. The only two programs we watch as a family now are BattleStar Galactica and Ugly Betty, and that really is it. So I figured, this time round, whatever happens I'm quitting for good. And, because I thought it would be fun, I recorded the phone call. See...last time, it was just unbelievable. The guy was telling me how SKY offered the best quality TV programming in the world, best priced, most variety....yadayada. It was like dealing with a bloody time-share salesman.

So I set up my video camera, eagerly looking forward to recording this telephone duel. I linked in the phone line to record the audio and started to record the call, knowing this was going to make for a very entertaining video for my blog.

*sigh*

It all went horribly wrong. The operator (Indian) took my details and then passed me on to this hardcore 'u-turner' (Scottish again)

SKY: I gather you wish to cancel Sky completely sir

ME: Yes. (Waiting eagerly for him to ask why so the fun could begin)

SKY: And...can I ask you...why?

ME: Ahhhh!!!!...I'm so glad you asked. I'm cancelling because it is shit.

A pause. (And I'm grinning like a Cheshire cat, waiting for him to start berating me. See, I've got all my smart-arse comebacks ready for this. This is going to make an excellent bit of video. I'm gonna look pretty cool, SKY will look crap...heheh, bring it on.)

SKY: Fair enough sir. It's not to everyone's taste is it? I'll arrange this immediately, sir. You have a good day now Mr Scarrow.

IT'S FINALLY BROKEN....

2007-02-27T00:18:00.000-08:00

...society, that is. We messed around with it, experimented with it, tweaked it, and, at some point over the last twenty-thirty years...we went and broke it.

I have to say I agree in part with Cameron, that it's the breakdown of family values that is partially to blame; Labour's insistence that single-mum families, 'blended' families are not only perfectly okay, but to be celebrated...has taken it's toll.

But the problem is way bigger than that - and Cameron's party are guilty too. Who remembers when Thatcher proudly announced, in the heigh-day of her years that 'there is no such thing as society any more'?. She championed the 'me first' attitude that served as rocket fuel for the consumer driven free market vision she had for Great Britain. We all went out and bought houses, filled them with stuff from IKEA, and stuck two fingers up at everyone else who wasn't immediate family or close friends, went inside, closed the door and double-locked it.

And now?...

...we're all stuck in our tastefully furnished little shoe-boxes watching SKY TV, or looking out through the windows at streets filled with roaming hoodies, some packing guns, most packing at least a knife and we're stuck inside bemoaning the fact that - you know what? - we miss being able to talk to our neighbors over the garden fence. We miss stumbling across an impromptu fathers-and-sons football game on the common, with jumpers marking goal posts. We miss being able to amble safely through the town park at dusk.

Society is dead. And some time over the last two decades, during four terms of Conservative rule, and three terms of New Labour, we let our governments kill it.

I miss it...I want it back.

BAZUKA THAT VERRUCA!

2007-02-23T01:20:00.000-08:00

It's a con.

It's a fraud of mind-boggling proportions. Bazuka simply doesn't do what it says it does on the tube. My lad Jake had had veruccas for eighteen months - through which, day in and day out my wife and I have been diligently applying Bazuka cream. I can't begin to recall how many tubes we've been through.

Then one day somebody told us that the cream was virtually a placebo. That there was nothing in there that was going to sort out a verruca. She said, that verrucas have a lifespan and they will drop out of their own accord if you leave them alone. She even went on to say, the more you fart around with the cream, with zapping them with that painful acid stuff, the longer they last!

So we stopped messing around trying to get rid of it - actually 'them' by now. And about four or five weeks later, they all vanished overnight.

Now, I suspect that the entire verruca business, not just the people that make Bazuka, but all the other brands of ointments, acids, socks and creams surely know that none of their products actually work, and that these little buggers basically have a lifespan and will sod off when they're good and ready.

And of course there's all those other products out there, that don't actually work...at all. Or, if they do work, it's not because of the product itself, but some other coincidental affect. For example; rejuvenating face creams, anti-wrinkle creams. These sort of work after a fashion, but mainly as a result of the massaging action of applying the cream. The cream itself has no affect at all. But they're not going to tell you that, are they? Not at £30 a tube.

UK'S KIDS THE MOST DEPPRESSED

2007-02-14T02:01:00.000-08:00

In a survey of modern industrialised economies, it seems our kids are the least happy with life; despite living in one of the wealthiest countries in the world.

That really comes as no surprise to me at all. I suspect though, if they widened the remit of the survey they'd also discover that most British people are generally unsatisfied with their lot.

But focusing on our kids...I've got a good idea why they're all surly and depressed. And it's got a lot to do with wealth. See, in the UK, we are mostly quite pampered. I think something like 90% of kids over the age of ten now have a mobile phone. I don't know how many have a TV, a DVD player and at least one console in their room, but I'm guessing the percentage is quite high.

Sadly though, our kids live in a country where either they're driven from friend's-playover to after-school-activity by terrified SUV-driving parents, whipped into a fever of peedo paranoia by the media, or...they're totally ignored and rejected by chav mums and dads who are way too busy watching trash TV.

They've got the latest mobiles and Sportswear accessories, but no freedom.

But worse still, our kids are being bombarded - like radiation - by subtle (and not so subtle) media messages specifically designed to make them feel crap about themselves (unless, of course, they go and buy product XYZ).

Seriously. I'd like to start a class action and sue the hell out of the media for making our kids despondent, depressed consumer clones, who, no matter how much they have in their bedroom, need only pass a street billboard, a TV set or recieve an unsolicited text to find out how little they have in comparison to 'all the other re-e-e-al co-o-o-o-o-l kids'.

If you've got a moment, why don't you take a look at the adverts on Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon? Or skim through a copy of some teeny mag next time you're in a newsagents? Or, if you want aspirational radiation therapy at it's worse - check out one of the music video channels.

I look at our kids and really worry. And you know, I'm not dissing them.

No.

The people I save my venom for are people my own age; the creative execs and degree-holding middle-class media muppets who are responsible for peddling this insipid me-me-me poison. You know, I once toyed with the idea of breaking into marketing/advertising, back when I was much younger.

I'm so glad now I have a kid of my own, that I didn't chose to go over to the dark side. Hell...maybe I should have, and tried to affect change from within.

Nah. I could see my 'Don't Buy Nike...they're over-priced and won't actually make you any happier' campaign not really going down too well with my hypothetical employer.

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA DOES IRAQ

2007-02-09T00:32:00.000-08:00

First of all, I have to applaud the show for keeping the tension and pace up. Season three, and it's just getting better and better. Whilst in contrast....LOST, ahem lost it I think someway through its first season.

This season though, the whole Iraq thing is getting up front treatment. Take Saul, the 2nd in command aboard the Galactica. This season, the costume designers have worked hard at giving him that Maqtada al-Sadyr look. And why not, Saul is heading the insurgency against the Cylons, makes sense. And then there are the suicide bombings, the tit-for-tat killings for those who have assisted the cylons, the assasination of humans who have joined the Cylon security forces. It's all very in-yer-face. Which on the one hand I think is fantastic, and on the other, feel it's a little bit too 'one-note'...if you get my drift.

But the bottom line though is that it's the best thing on TV right now. Very polished.

ARMED AND FAMOUS

2007-01-26T03:57:00.000-08:00

No way...no...way

OhMyGod this is priceless! I thought it was a comedy sketch at first, something lifted from Saturday Night Live. I was peeing myself until the logo at the end, and then I realised. This is a 'serious' show on FOX. This is....hang on, deep breaths...

Okay, I'm good.

...this is a for-real show. The Big Idea? Take a bunch of D-list celebs, dress em' up like police, and have them enforce the law. I'm stunned, simply stunned.

Latoya Jackson looks bizarre doesn't she? She's the only sleb I recognise out of this sorry bunch. There's a bloke in the back row who looks like he might once have been on 'Chips', when he gave his 'not on my watch' speech I spurted coffee all over my keyboard.

Thanks for that.

Jeeeez...only in America for Gawds-sake. Actually, what am I saying? Next year no doubt, the MEN and MOTORS channel will have a similar show - ex-Eastenders dressed up in the blues and patrolling Moss Side. Mind you, I can just about see Ross Kemp in role...Latoya Jackson on the other hand?

X FACTOR-AMERICAN IDOL...sigh

2007-01-26T00:47:00.000-08:00

This is one very good reason why I stopped watching. Check this first, then come on back here.

Watched it?

Okay, so this girl's a little unhinged, she comes off as a complete loon. But let's pull back the rug on a few things here. Firstly, you're seeing edited footage. Gone are the 'dull' bits where she may well have explained herself better, gone are the bits where the judges might have said something really feckin dumb or inappropriate, mumbled or fluffed a reply. Secondly, the big thing that is kept from us viewers at home, is what a kid like this has experienced over the preceding 36 hours.

Yup...36 hours.

That girl, and a 10,000s of others assembled down at a football stadium up to two days before the auditions were being filmed, sleeping rough inside the stadium for one or two nights. She will have passed two auditions in front of minor members of the production team, who would have been drilled to pass only 'the very best and the very worst'. The first audition would have whittled down the 80-100,000 people who turned up, down to about 3,000. The second audition would have whittled that down to about 150.

And so finally....having survived to the last 150 (from approx 100,000), it's understandable that she might believe she has something to offer.

Having quite possibly slept rough for two nights, and having quite probably travelled a fair way for this audition, she's wheeled in at the last moment, only to be laughed at by three pompous assholes. Christ, I'd be a little pissed off too.

Now to the real point, the reason I felt moved to write about her....whoever she is. She came so close, so-o-o-o-o-o close to blowing the gig, to revealing American Idol (and X Factor) as the complete sham that it is.

Randy says to her, 'Idol is all about great singers.' It's not. It never has been about singing. It's about a lot of other things, the inter-judge rivalry, the in-yer-face raw emotional play-out of young kid's dreams being crushed...

...I mean where else, other than some seedy snuff movie, could you see in realtime, in studio-lit slow-motion, a child sliding from euphoria into borderline suicidal depression in the space of thirty seconds? That's TV-cocaine. That is what this show is all about.

They want tears, they want screaming, they want shouting...and as soon as a contestant starts doing any of those things, the camera man's right in there, shoving the lens into their face.

I used to watch X Factor. I stopped watching it during the audition phase last time round. I stopped when I read a revealing article, explaining how, even at this early audition stage, many of the future finalists had already been agreed, having privately negotiated with Simon Cowell and his production company, via their agent/manager to be on the show. The auditions, the boot camps...that's all, to not put too fine a point on it...staged.

I cringe whenever I hear one of the judges say 'it's all about your voice'.

SCRIPTED REALITY

2007-01-24T00:13:00.000-08:00

I think we all aknowledge that reality shows are somewhat 'steered' by their producers to deliver an entertaining show. But I suspect there's actually a lot more 'steering' going on than we assume.

Of course, we all know that with shows like BB, and WifeSwap the producers deliberately pick participants that are going to spark off each other. We know that they'll pick people with provocative opinions and attitudes, people whose personality traits are instantly unlikeable.

Hell, we know all that....but I've noticed how a lot of these shows seem to follow a very predictable story template, not dissimilar to the standard movie 3/4 act script:

Act 1

The show starts with participants sharing a wary honeymoon period.
An initiating clash ensues, ending the honeymoon period.
Usually, this clash occurs just around the point that the first commercial break hits us.

Act 2

A feud begins, with several more minor clashes gradually building the tension up.
Some specific incident heightens the tension, which lines us up for the end of act 3 showdown.
...and hey presto...another commercial break!

Act 3

All the little 'set-up' conditions are established for...
...The Big Shouting Match. Lots of screaming, whinging, crying, bitching.
And, yup, another commercial break.

Act 4

Some more fireworks, tears, 'video-diaries'.
And then a resolution, usually a compromise of some sort, or some tearful making up.
The show concludes with a rather unsubtle 'moral message' from the narrator.

Which leaves me very suspicious that a lot of these shows, and I include all those other supposedly 'instructive' ones such as, Tiny Tearaways, Uncontrollable Teens, Nanny 911 etc etc are 'directed' in the way Mike Leigh directs movies - ie: he explains a dramatic situation to his ensemble of actors, what each character is feeling, and what each character wants out of it, and then, with no script at all the cameras roll and the actors effectively play themselves. Ken Loach adopts this technique as well, usually not even using proffesional actors.

You can even see the dramatic template above in the likes 'Time Team' - the contrived race-against-the-clock archaeology show, where instead of having characters bitching at each other to generate the tension, you have some time-critical ingredient thrown in to create tension: 'Oooh, the developers have only allowed us 3 days to dig on this spot of land', or, 'disaster strikes as our JCB suddenly decides not to work', 'a sudden downpour has covered up the exposed mosaic...and with only a few hours left....'

You get the idea.

BIG BROTHER IN THE POOH

2007-01-22T04:23:00.000-08:00

Oh this is joyous, priceless. A true gift.

So, the executive board for Channel 4 are meeting to discuss the recent allegations of rascism on BB, and there's the very real possibility that they'll can Big Brother as a result of what came out of Jade's big gob (and the other two z-listers).

It's poetic...ironic...poetically ironic even, that the most useless, notorious, creature spawned by that incredibly useless show - I speak of Jade Goody of course - should ultimately be the instrument for the show's demise.

I might even throw a Screw You BB party if C4 decide to axe the show. 'But what about all those fans out there? You know...the ones who watch 10-20 hours a week of that crap?' - I hear you ask. 'What are they gonna do now?'

Shucks, I dunno...maybe spend those 20 hours doing something more useful, like...lemmesee, interacting with their kids (yup, I know the demographic - mostly young single mums) instead of staring slack-jawed at the TV. Pffft...bunch of bloody bubble-heads.

I see in the papers today that she's supposedly suicidal over the whole thing. Well, look, she may be a big-mouthed peabrain, who's been made to look like a spiteful big-mouthed peabrain, but she'll bounce back after a week or two...I hope. Whilst I think she's an idiot with a big ego, I save my venom for the real culprits - the producers of BB.

I could quite happily see the production team all fall on their swords over this, hopefully Davina along with them; a manipulative bunch of overpaid, self-serving, media-muppet w**kers.

And there's always the hope that there'll be a knock on affect on the other Big Brother franchises around the world, and all the other 'me-too' franchises.

I LOVE MY BEEB

2007-01-18T13:11:00.000-08:00

On the subject of the BBC licence fee. Screw it, I'm more than happy to pay a little more. And to be entirely honest, if the BBC promised to stop chasing down the real knuckle-dragger audience out there with programs like that twice weekly Lottery show, Just For Laughs, and various make-over nonsense, I'd even be happy to go the extra mile and pay what they were hoping for.

Because....

...the Beeb produce a helluva lot of decent quality stuff that we just sort of take for granted because it's always there.

I mean the only news/current affairs shows I watch these days are Newsnight and Panorama (Paxman is truly first class). The dramas; Spooks, Rome, Messiah...to name the first three that popped into my head. Light entertainment: They Think it's All Over, Buzzcocks, Jonathon Ross etc etc

Not to mention all the radio output. I simply can't survive without Radio 4 now. All those so-laugh-out-loud-funny panel shows that have me pissing myself whilst I'm washing the dishes in the kitchen, or swerving to avoid oncoming traffic during the day....absolutely brilliant.

Oh, and let's not forget the BBC has got to fork out the cost for putting freebie digital boxes in Gawd-knows how many hundreds of thousands of homes.

All that for about £11 a month.

And then you got SKY...and it has basically, Battlestar Galactica and the Simpsons, and that's pretty much it...except of course, you have to wade through an avalanche of commercial breaks to enjoy those gems.

Oh, and there's the other channels, the only noteworthy ones being the Discovery bunch, which is fine I s'pose if you want to see endless doccies on 'Hitlers Henchmen'.

And finally, there's Carol Vorderman, in virtually every single commerical break, the little tramp, selling you finance with that ernest I-do-the numbers-on-CountDown, you-can-trust-me smile of hers....

And Sky hits you up for a minimum of £17 (I think) a month.

Trust me, the Beeb is the envy of the world. Amongst all the cock-ups, over-spends, and complete dogs-dinners that seem to be the hallmark of everything we do in this country, the BBC is the ONE thing we've got right.

BIG BROTHER - RASCISM?

2007-01-18T01:23:00.000-08:00

Jeeeez, this is absolutely crazy, ridiculous. Ahhh, you're thinking, 'this blogger thinks the allegations of rascism is yet another example of over-sensitivity.'

Au contraire.

I think those stupid, half-witted morons - the blonde one and the scouser - with their little to-and-fro about how 'them indians is all thin coz they eat wiv there fingers.' Jesus wept. Thanks to their ignorance, and boy...are they ignorant, that's how all us Brits will be viewed around the world. Because that little clip, rest assured, is being played over and over today on news programs around the world.

And boy, did they sound dumb. I mean, they successfully managed to make the trailer-trash studio audience of Dr Phil look smarter, and that's no mean achievement.

Should Channel 4 have aired it though? On reflection, I think, yes. For one simple reason, it demonstrates very clearly, to any would-be plancton-IQ ignoramuses (ignorami?) who intend to spout some wisdom on a foreign culture they know nothing about, how completely stupid they will look whilst doing it.

Despatches: Undercover Mosque

2007-01-17T06:22:00.000-08:00

I watched the Despatches program last night, in which an undercover reporter went into Mosques around the country, presenting himself as a dutiful muslim. Now, I have to say, I am deeply sucpicious of documentary makers these days, knowing how manipulative they can get in the editing room, adding ominous background music, cutting soundbites out of context etc etc

With all that said, I found it to be quite unsettling. There did seem to be a very unambiguous message coming across, but that's just my interpretation. Watch some of it for yourself:

The Despatches program

As an interesting exercise, watch it back to back with this:

Griffin's Encitement speech

It's Nick Griffin's (BNP leader) speech for which he was arrested and tried. A very similar language being used, albeit somewhat codified and carefully couched...certainly more ambiguous (deliberately so) than the forthright opinions being expressed in the Despatches program.

I nearly didn't post this blog...because I was concerned that showing these two videos side by side, implied, albeit very tenuously, some sort of bias on my part. What I believe these two videos show are two equally despicable flavours of hate-talk.

So...what do I feel about this? Well to be honest with you, my first reaction on watching the program, was that I hoped the police were watching this too, and that the public speakers shown inciting violence will be paid a visit by the police and interviewed, possibly even charged.

But, thinking about it some more....I'm not sure there should ever be an opinion - no matter how reprehensible - that when expressed, will get you arrested. That's really the thin end of the wedge as far as I'm concerned.

With that logic stated, I can say without feeling like a completely rascist thug that...yup, Griffin should never have been arrested.

Wow, that feels weird saying that.

ELLIE QUIN TRAILER

2007-01-14T15:31:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vrafm5dUtZk

That was fun to put together. Seriously, I love doing this kind of stuff.

But anyway, this is the year ELLIE QUIN comes out in print. By hook or by crook. Having recently finished my second thriller, and having lined up what I want to write about in the third, I've now got time to devote to getting EQ off the ground.

It's the sort of book that could be a cult book, an underground success, a natural for viral marketing and word-of-mouth promotion. It's also the project I'm most passionate about. I'm so desperate to see where these adventures will take Ellie, and I want to see more of this universe in which she lives; I want to know more about jimps, podkins and boojams!

It's time for her to emerge from stasis; to emerge from where I left her at the end of this first book. I'm going to use this blog to talk about Ellie Quin, my plans for the book, the series.

Anyway...off to bed (it's late) ...and start mulling over the next book in the series.

TWO GRIM FOR THE SUITS

2007-01-05T09:29:00.000-08:00

Back when I was working in the computer games biz, we were commissioned by a leading phone network company to design some cool games for their brand new WAP phones. (Showing my age now eh..?)

Anyway, as the company's ideas man, I was sent away to design some games within the severely limited boundaries specified by the WAP system. Just to give you an idea; there could be no MOVING graphics, two tone images only, and a tiny resolution to work with...equivalent to about two windows desktop icons sat side by side.

I managed to come up with this cool cops and robbers game. Believe me...it was fun to play, incredible that we managed to get a prototype of this design running that was actually FUN, given the ridiculously limited hardware and connection bandwidth.

Anyway, the game was presented to the phone company and they blanched in horror at the graphic violence I'd depicted on the tiny screen. I think the headshot was what frightened them off.

I look back now, and can sort of see why. I mean...half the guy's head's coming off - hardly the sort of game little kiddies should be playing on their cell phones.

THE FUTURE...oh boy

2007-01-05T01:50:00.000-08:00

I read a very interesting article on how the book business may well change: Linky-winky

Fascinating stuff, and a little frightening too. The traditional, comfortable model of having some big business come along, take your precious work, pay you a chunk of money, and then go away print up thousands of copies and ship them around the world - is something you grow used to.

Now, the future may soon be very different. Your precious work isn't printed up and shipped anywhere...instead, it's a licenced digital file, that will end up in the equivalent of a literary jukebox that will 'play' (print out there and then, with nice glossy cover, properly bound just like a normal paperback) whatever you select.

You should read the article...it analizes who exactly in the 5 node delivery-chain (Writer, Agent, Publisher, Retailer, Reader) should be the one quivering away in his shoes.

Obviously from my crudely Photoshopped images above (ahhh, gotta love P-shop) you can guess it's the retailer who would have the most to fear.

Those large book shops would have to downsize, no longer holding stock on shelf space, instead having a load of terminals - internet cafe-styled - where punters could sit down and make their jukebox selection and grab a coffee whilst they wait a few minutes for the book to emerge, freshly printed, from a slot.

Just like a mars bar.

My guess is the role of publishers and agents would remain unchanged. Their job of filtering content, signing up the good and rejecting the crap would continue.

But you know, I got mixed feelings though about this though. I like bookshops. I really do. But if the bookshop experience becomes little more than surfing through digital offerings on a screen...? Surely you might as well just save your money on the bus trip downtown, the over-priced crappacino whilst you wait, and buy from Amazon instead.

One thing's for sure though. The industry is right on the cusp of a change. Whether the future is dinky little Print-On-Demand coffe shops, or downloaded digital content on eReaders...or both, it's coming fast.

I can feel the approaching wind-rush.

SADDAM'S EXECUTION

2007-01-02T04:31:00.000-08:00

I saw the 'sanctioned' footage of him being led out onto the scaffold. The first thing that struck me was how composed he looked. I think, secretly, I'd been hoping he'd be blubbing like a baby, kicking and screaming as they dragged him into position.

Why? Because the world's future would-be dictators need to see that an undignified and messy end awaits them if they decide to abuse humanity further down their career path. But also, those who might rally around Saddam, use him as some heroic figurehead, might have a slightly harder task rallying support if he'd departed this world kicking and screaming like a baby.

But, unfortunately he didn't. He seemed to be quite calm, with a steely look of defiance in his eyes. And that, I found very unsettling. I wonder if that minute and a half of footage will come back and haunt us all in years to come. I wonder if in the decades ahead of us, his face will return as the logo or banner of some future jihadi organization....and arab-centric historians will rewrite his brutal past as some sort of noble attempt to unite the middle east against the infidel west.

For this reason, I believe the execution should not have been filmed...perhaps images of his body shown, to confirm to disbelievers that yes...he IS dead - but not this footage, that shows compsoure and defiance in the face of death.

Like I say, I think that's going to come back and bite us.

CELEB BIOGS

2006-12-31T03:48:00.000-08:00

Here's some interesting figures I picked up. The first figure is the advance paid out, the second is the number of books each sleb has actually sold:

Dave Blunkett -- £400,000 -- 2,000
Gary Barlow -- £1,000,000 -- 50,000
Johnson Beharry -- £1,000,000 -- 20,000
Rupert Everett -- £1,000,000 -- 20,000
Ashley Cole -- £250,000 -- 4,000
Michael Barrymore -- £300,000 -- 5,000
Chantelle -- £400,000 -- under 5,000
Shayne Ward -- £200,000 -- under 5,000

I'm sure with a little more digging I could unearth some more emabarrassingly huge advance/book sales gaps. Whilst there's little doubt that the British public have an insatiable appetite for sleb biogs and magazine-styled tittle-tattle, it's getting very clear that publishers are more often than not losing money - hand over fist - on a lot of these high-profile deals.

Whilst I'm unlikely to mourn for publishers- after all, they're grown ups, they know what they're doing - it does annoy me that they can allow themselves to be fleeced so obviously. I have visions of some naive, vulnerable young schoolboy being mugged for his lunch money when I hear of yet another superheated auction over some Big Brother contestant's biography.

It annoys me because the huge dent that a really duff sleb biography deal puts in a publishers' profit curve can mean a tightening of belts; less money to spend on finding new talent, less money available to market midlist authors.

Yes...I'm biased, I have an agenda, of course I do. I'm a new author. The future of my career is as uncertain as anything - depending pretty much on the sales of my debut novel. Luckily the early signs are good, thus far. But life as a writer would be far less uncertain if huge wads of cash weren't being haemoraged on flavour-of-the-month sleb biography deals.

I could moan all day on this subject you know. I could whinge about how a bubble-headed sleb's passing whim to write one of those 'book thingys' means food taken from a dedicated writer's plate. I could jibber on about the insatiable greed of celebs, having made their millions acting, singing, dancing or whatever - seeking to squeeze another trunkful of easy-money out of the book world...but I'll refrain.

Just say this though. It's sort of reassuring to know that so far my debut hardback has outsold five names on that list above; and that's without any poster campaign, front of store promotion, three-for-two deals, or anyone even knowing my name.

I say that not to sound cocky, (ahem...actually, reading that back to myself, it does sound a little cocky) but to help illustrate the point that a humble unknown writer like me can be a far better return on investment to a publisher than some dittohead sleb taking a final bite at the apple on their way down to z-list status, and eventual anonymity.

FUIN WITH A SIMPLE PENCIL LINE

2006-12-22T02:23:00.000-08:00

This is a blast. I stumbled on it today, and found myself losing a couple of hours messing around with it.

http://www.linerider.com

It just goes to show, it's the really simple ideas that can go ballistic and make a huge impact. Doing a little snooping around, there are thousands of websites devoted to this little game. I'm not even aware yet how long it's been doing the round on the internet, but given how quickly things can take off on the net, I wouldn't be surprised if it's only been around for a few weeks.

Anyway...enjoy.

VIDEO GAME GRAVEYARD PT3

2006-12-21T01:22:00.000-08:00

This was a game I designed for the Gameboy. Sheeeeh, designed this one, eight years ago now, so it was for the GameBoy Advance. It's called MANAMANIA. Basically a very lightweight strategy game. The idea was you have four 'bases' (see the cauldrens?) one for each competing wizard. The wizard needs to amass 'mana' which comes from collecting naturally sprouting crystals and dropping them into his cauldren. Using this mana power then (see the very slim, yellow, mana power bar on the left...and the spells beside it?) the player can cast funky spells on the enemy wizards.

One of the must-have spells was 'hatch-a-gelf', which makes these cute little helpers who will automatically go and harvest the crystals for you, leaving you free to concentrate on zapping the enemy.

The game idea was instantly catchy, and at my boss's request I went on to do designs for a PS2 version. Sadly, it never passed first base with any publishers. I really would loved a game like this on my Gameboy though...fast, easy to get, strategic. Instead, for many years the Gameboy had only really awful licence-tie ins, Mario-kart, and Sonic. It's different now...there are some very good, absorbing, dare I say 'grown up' games on the Gameboy. Hell, you can get Sudoku on there now, which just goes to show there are a lot of older gamers carrying a nintendo around.

Manamania was one of my favorite stillborn games.

VIDEO GAME GRAVEYARD PT2

2006-12-18T06:33:00.000-08:00

Another game that never went anywhere was one I worked up a demo of with a friend, outside of office hours. It was futuristic racer set in a living, breathing city sort of like Bladerunner. The really cool idea though, was that you'd use an editor to make your own city, sort of like the game SIM City; placing towers and shopping centers etc etc And then, you'd hop onto your hoverboard, and race through it.

The racing part of the game was slightly different to the usual run-of-the-mill racing game in that your vehicle, the hoverboard, could only power you along for a few seconds before needing to be recharged (arguably it was solar powered). So you'd have to rely on the cities thermal currents. These could shoot you up the vertical wall of sky-scraper and then you'd be able to glide down to earth, picking up speed truly insane speed coming down. So, the racing tactical-play was all about looking for those updrafts.

Anyway, we got the editor working quite nicely. I produced a variety of city tiles, futuristic sky vehicles and ground cars. But we never got round to doing much more than that before we ran out of time.

VIDEO GAME GRAVEYARD Pt1

2006-12-18T05:57:00.000-08:00

I was just going through my old hard-drive and tidying up some things, and stumbled across my portfolio of CG work. There's a ton of it, from 12 years working as a computer games artist.

The last three or four years I worked mainly in designing and rapid-prototyping game proposals. It was a small team, me and a shit-hot programmer...and our job, well...it doesn't get much better than this really, our job was to think up really cool ideas for games, and speedily produce a quick, vaguely playable sample of it. That would then be taken to a big game publisher and we'd pitch the idea to them.

So I thought, it might be interesting to any readers out there who do partake in a little gaming to see images of some games that oh-so-nearly went into full production, but for the decision of a corporate bean-counter...and who knows, might just have gone on to become a huge hit, another Tomb Raider, another Rome TW, another Halo.

These three images were from a proposal based on the movie WestWorld. You know the movie, right? Yul Brynner as a robot gunslinger whose circuits are fried by a malfunction in a robot theme park. etc etc. We designed a game where you play a maintenance bod, armed with some gadgetry, whose task it was, was to rescue theme park guests, whilst fighting all manner of robotic foes; gunslingers, knights, orc, dragons, aliens. We had some cool zones like 'Horror Zone' and 'History Zone' and 'Movie Zone' (movie zone was cool, because there'd be loads of vaguely recogniseable cameos...eg: Laurel and Hardy robots).

Anyway, I hastily knocked up a some damaged gunslinger robots, some maintenance bunkers and drafted in some extra artists to throw together a wild west street and my programmer partner wrote enough code that you could wander around have a simple gun fight with them....and quite a cool gimmick of the game - target a robot and directly control it, for a limited time.

We pitched it, and this one, nearly....oh so nearly got greenlighted.

BLOODY CELEBRITIES!!!

2006-12-15T06:08:00.000-08:00

It's one of my pet hates, it really is. It's just...nnnnghhh...just a moment.

Okay, I'm good...another breath, yup I'm better.

Celebrities - I'm talking about all those X Factor starlets, Big Brother Bimbos, Kiss-n-tell girls, Ex-boyband dropouts, and all the other z-list dittoheads out there. It's bad enough that most television bandwidth is filled up with these montrously vacuous morons, but in recent years they've started swamping bookstore shelf-width. I mean those biographies are one thing, but now....oh yes...now these eeejits are ''avin' a go' at writing novels.

I don't know what hacks me off more; the fact that these pampered airheads are stealing business from the mouths of kosher authors (you know, the dull people who don't whip their kit off on some reality show, who've taken years and years to learn the craft etc etc), or that they think writing a novel is a piece of piss...

...sumfin to ave a go at, know wot I meean?.....init.

It smacks of rampant selfishness and egotism, and flagrant contempt for books in general, that the likes of Naomi Campbell, Britney Speers, Katie Price...think they can casually dust off a typewriter and bang out a novel over a couple of Sunday afternoons. I mean fer crying out loud, they've already made their millions, but no that's not enough. No...they've also got to go and steal potential book sales from the like of us.

Actually I don't know if it's these bubblehead celebs, or the publishers - that prostrate themselves before them and splurge huge sums of hard-earned profit for the privilige of publishing their inane witterings - that anger me more.

*sigh*

Am I sounding bitter? I needed to get that off me chest. Better out than in as they say. It's just...you know, I can just about handle the idea that Jordan and Andre have had something vaguely interesting enough happen to them that it's worth putting into words in their autobiographies. But it's when these dunderheads cross the line, and start believing they can do anything...write a bestselling novel, compose a rock opera, invent a cure for cancer....ahem....act. That's when I find my hackles rising.

Uh now look...I've come out in my anger-rash...it's all up my arms and across my neck. I need to go lie down somewhere dark, and play some lift-music in my head.

THE FUTURE OF THE BOOK BUSINESS

2006-12-12T02:07:00.000-08:00

There's been a lot of talk about that recently, stirred up mainly, I think, by two things; the acquisition of Ottakars by Waterstones, and Google's plans to digitize every book ever released.

I mention the Wottakars thing, because I suspect that move is probably a sign that bricks and mortar book selling is entering its final phase, as Amazon continues to sweep up most of the trade, and the likes of Tesco and Asda take the rest.

Amongst the pros in the business, there's talk that atleast two of the five link chain (Author-Agent-Publisher-Retailer-Customer) will either vanish or merge in the next few years. And it's obvious who those two contenders are, isn't it?

I can foresee the likes of Amazon and Google buying up publishers, and in the first instance publishing printed books, sold over the net, and later on, digitally downloaded.

The latter stage requiring a must-have digital reader to be designed. And I'm sure it'll be Apple who get in first with an I-read....something easy on the eye and delightful to hold.

IMHO, the big question is: how quickly will this happen? I don't know, however, if a book equivalent of the Ipod arrived on the market tomorrow, it would certainly act as a catalyst.

THE DEATH OF CRAP TV

2006-12-08T06:47:00.000-08:00

The last year has seen some seismic movements going on in the world of entertainment. What with YouTube appearing from nowhere overnight, and now everyone knows about it. I mean, blimey...first I ever heard of YouTube was four months ago, I think. And then there's all the social networking sites, MySpace, Bebo, and then there's Google preparing to totally digitize the book world.

The landscape in the last twelve months has changed completely, and the future, well it's going to be very, very different for all of us. Perhaps the biggest change for us will come when broadcast entertainment collapses, and I think it will pretty soon. Advertising revenue is vanishing quickly. It's finally become known to the big advertising spenders, that people spend far more time arseing around on MSN, grazeing through YouTube videos, or pushing around solitaire cards, than they are watching TV.

That money's now going elsewhere. And all those stations derive the largest portion of their revenue, by far, from advertising. In theory, they should go bust pretty soon, and with fingers crossed, SKY will crumble in on itself....thank god.

Leaving of course, only one major broadcast entertainment supplier; the one that DOESNT rely on selling us easy money (even if we have CCJs and a terrible credit record), or selling us sugary toxic fruit drinks for the kids, or selling us cars and holidays we can't afford...

Yes, I'm talking about the BBC. The one with the protected revenue source, the licence.

My hope would be that, now, no longer having to chase ratings to compete with those brash, noisy, crappy, ad-infested, trailer-trash digital stations...and thus, through neccessity, dumb down their content - we might once again see the return of quality TV from the beeb.

That's my hope.

LAST LIGHT (book2) COMPLETE!!!

2006-12-05T06:10:00.000-08:00

Well, I finished editing LL today. I was in Starbucks as per usual, with my Estima black and a muffin, and put the final finishing touches to this version of the tale. It's been quite a substantial edit....much has changed with the conspiracy backstory, and there have been some shifts of emphasis on the three main character's travails.

I've also changed the ending in a way that should deliver an emotional climax that stays with you. It's one of my pet hates, particularly with thrillers, where the good guy sorts out the bad guys and thwarts their evil plans...JUST....in the nick of time. I've never understood why thriller writers stick to that template. It robs your tale of any tension whatsoever if you know the hero will ultimately always win....where's the sense of jeopardy? So...there is tension here in LL, somebody dies, somebody we get close to. I'm not saying who, but I'll say this....I honestly didn't know who it was going to be until the very last page.

Now, this has got to get past my agent and editor first. I'm not sure what they'll make of that. I think it's an ending that will stay in the reader's mind, they may well think it's too upsetting. We'll see....

Anyway, I'm done for now. There'll be another final pass when we approach the proofs stage.

Onto the next project - a screenplay. Something I'm working with my bro' on. I want to get a first draft in the bag before xmas.

And then after xmas, I really have to start thinking about the next goddamned book! Got some ideas, but they need a lot of gestating.

AUTHOR BAD HABITS PT3

2006-11-27T06:22:00.000-08:00

6. Shatner-style punctuation: Okay, I'm really, bloody, guilty, of...this. William Shatner (May God Bless this wonderful, powerful man. May he live long and prosper) mainly in his role as Captain Kirk, did tend to have a habit of over delivering his lines, pausing...between spurts of dialog...as if each...clusterof words...held such profound importance.

I tend to shove loads of those three-periods-in-a-row thingies, in my dialog, only to have to bloody well delete them all out again when I'm editing. It's an annoying habit I've got.

But, I notice lots of other writers do it too, using either commas or hyphens instead of the triple periods. I can only presume, like me - they must be hearing - William Shatner reading out their dialog - as if - it's - Shakespeare.

On a side note, did you know someone has actually put together an algorythm for doing a James T Kirk impersonation? Yup, it can be summed up as a simple mathematical formula. Something like:

Pronoun x3 (protracted in length) Rest of sentence /4 (compacted in length)

So, let's give it a test drive shall we?

We-e-e-e-e-e-e.........come-in-peace.
Spo-o-o-o-o-o-ck......you-can't-be-serious
Bo-o-o-o-o-o-o-nes........is-he-dead?
Sulu-u-u-u-u-u-u-u......shoot-to-kill.

FUN WITH TELESALES CALLS

2006-11-23T09:25:00.000-08:00

I did a post on another blog a while back about the fun you can have with telesales calls. You know, I work from home, it can get a little lonely, so it's become something of a pleasant diversion playing around with these calls. At some point soon, I'll list the various games I play, they're all pretty harmless and something you can easily have fun doing yourself...that is, if you want to mess around with the mind of a hapless telesales person.

Anyway, thought I'd post this linky : http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com

Absolutely bloody hilarious....I'm still chortling to myself as I'm typing this now. The man's a true genius.

OHMYGOD....MY BOOK's A MOVIE!!!!!

2006-11-22T05:49:00.000-08:00

A-a-a-nndd here it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PvdbSvdJ0o

Alright, already...so it's just a little cobbled together trailer, and not some big movie deal. Oh well, who knows? Maybe some Hollywood suit might catch a glimpse of it and...?

Anyhoo..

I could carry on refining and tweaking this sucker indefinately. For example the still of the B-17 is an obvious candidate for some more footage. But time is limited, and I'm busy editing my second novel which I need done by the end of November.

So hopefully whilst not giving too much of the story away, this teaser will get casual YouTubers curious enough to follow the web link at the end.

If anyone's interested, all the movie footage was made from scratch using 3D MAX, which is a modelling and rendering package I used to use for work in the games business. It takes years to get up to a professional level on MAX, it's just such a huge piece of software.

It's reassuring to know that since I quit my job and stopped using it daily...I haven't forgotten my way around it. Anyway, I'll be using it some more. I'm planning on doing a similar teaser for my brother's book UNDER THE EAGLES. That is....when the editing on LAST LIGHT has been done, the first draft of the XXXXXXXX (sorry, keeping this under wraps) screenplay has been written, and Xmas is out of the way.

A THOUSAND SUNS - PROMO VID

2006-11-15T14:36:00.000-08:00

Been working on a teaser video for my debut novel. It seems YoutTube/GoogleVideo are proving to be a pretty good way to get some coverage.

Anyway, the top image is the ol' Dr Strangelove shot - Nazi atom bomb hurtling down towards Manhattan. Rendered in 3d MAX with some post video fx (eg: film grain and motion blur) to make it feel like actual footage.

The second image is part of a montage sequence. This image shows one of the main characters, a Luftwaffe pilot tasked with flying the German atom bomb across the atlantic.

The last piccy is from the title animation sequence...the lettering flies in, and the eagle 'burns' itself into the skyline. Quite effective technique that, and quite...sort of ghostly, in a way. Which is exactly what I was hoping for.

I quite like this one in motion.

Anyway, should hopefully edit this and the other bits and pieces together sometime next week then upload it to YouTube and see if it piques anyone's interest

AUTHOR BAD HABITS PT2

2006-11-15T03:20:00.000-08:00

(in a 'top ten' format...we all love that format really)

7. Brilliant AND Beautiful protagonists: why is it that the main character who's, for example, a forensic pathologist, has to actually be a BRILLIANT forensic pathologist? Not only that of course, he (or she) is stunningly attractive too, and of course incredibly funny and quick with the sassy comebacks. Oh...and yes, able to trade blows with the bad guy's henchmen, AND speak a second language fluently at a very convenient moment in the story. One thing that's guaranteed to have me tossing a book across my room is a SUPERhero. Gimme a regular guy who's just okay at his job, makes mistakes, doesn't fall into bed with every incidental character of the opposite sex, and you know...just looks pretty average.

Really ticks me off - characters like that. Crappy 2d hero stereo-types like that are why I never got any further than chapter 5 of The Da Vinci Code.

AUTHOR BAD HABITS

2006-11-12T10:50:00.000-08:00

I'm getting incredibly irritated by the prevalent habits, tics an cliches employed by writers these days. I would say I probably complete one book in twenty at the moment- my bedside table is cluttered with opened or bookmarked novels that I'm never going to bother finishing. I'm not going to mention any books by name, I think that's probably a little unprofessional to get into the whole rubbishing-the-competition-on-your-own-blog thing. It's just naff really. However...instead, what I'll do is list some of the things that really, re-e-eally grate as far as I'm concerned. I'll go for the ever popular 'top ten' format. We al love lists don't we?

10. Foreshadowing: usually this'll come in the form of a dream sequence, or a vision, hallucination, even a surfacing memory from the distant past. Occasionally it'll come in the form of a non-too subtle detail being inexplicably focused upon by the author. I really don't get why authors like to hint at their punchlines.

9. The Witty Narrator: I like the narrator to be an aloof and impartial observer. Describing things as is, NOT, butting in with wry and pithy asides. Certainly in 1st person, that's not an issue as you expect your protagonist to have his opinion on something, to have a sense of humour and use it. But the narrator?...He/she just needs to butt-out tell the reader what's happening and let the characters do all the emoting, cracking gags etc etc

8. Overweight novels: always seems...you get an author debuts with a fantastic, pacey piece of work, and then as the reputation (and sales) grow, the subsequent books get fatter and fatter. Quite clearly what's happening there is that the writer's ego is inflating - their editor thus feels less able to wade in with suggestions of sweeping cuts...because of course, the writing's so bloody wonderful, not a word of it can be considered superfluous. I just tossed aside a very fat book by a well known author that clearly hasn't been touched by an editor. There were appallingly dull, longwinded asides everywhere, utterly irrelevent subplots everywhere, and a seemingly endless cast of characters being introduced...virtually one every page...all of whom had lengthy backstories they needed to tell. *sigh*

(whinge 7-4 coming soon)

THE NEXT BOOK - editing.

2006-11-03T01:40:00.000-08:00

I had a meeting yesterday with my editor and my agent to discuss the edits to my next book. It's always a tad disheartening when the feedback you get isn't 'It's a masterpiece...DONT CHANGE A SINGLE WORD!!!!!'

Alas, some words do need to be changed. This being my 2nd novel up on the blocks, I'm a little more used to the editing process, and ready for the grind ahead of me. Yeah...it is a bit of a grind.

See, as a writer, you sort of have this rather naive notion that having typed 'The End', it's done...the book is written, and a kind of end of term... school's out mentality kicks in. You flood out of your study, arms waving in the air, looking forward to a few months of chill out time before having to start gestating the next book....

...when all of a sudden your euphoria evaporates, and an email laden with editor's notes arrives, and you realise there's another whole month or so of rewriting ahead of you.

It's a grind, but then I know the book that'll come out the other end of this process will be much, much better. And when it finally goes to print, I'll look back and be so bloody thankful it wasn't the first draft (the one I thought was absolutely faultless, and didn't require a single change) that Mr and Mrs J. Punter will eventually get to read.

So...it's time to head back to the coal face. I've got some ideas how to fix that plot loophole, and I think I know how to ratchet up the tension in the XYZ's race to get to XXXX.

Deep breath...okay here we go.

MY NEWFOUND NERDNESS

2006-10-31T01:30:00.000-08:00

See?....there's my lad, first thing this morning (getting ready for school) admiring - not under duress I might add - this fantastically crafted homage to Nerd-dom.

May I draw your attention to those ruins in the foreground, lovingly carved from polystyrene with a stanley knife, and exquisitally dry-brushed (yeah that's a Nerd term...too complicated to explain to you Norms). Look at that detail....phwoaarrr

Ahhhh...a masterpiece. I'm almost tempted to abandon the writing career, march on down to Games Workshop and offer myself to them as a Nerd-for-hire.

Nuts.

I've got some work to do on novel number 2. I'm lunching with my editor tomorrow and he'll want to discuss the edits I plan to do....and more importantly, what I've got lined up for book 3. I really need to stop stroking my battlefield and go and do some desk-time.

And no, he's really not going to want to look at the thirty-three other pictures I've taken of it. Must...resist...urge...to...bring...digicam...along to the meeting.

I'M NOT SURE....BUT I THINK I JUST BECAME A NERD

2006-10-30T15:09:00.000-08:00

It was half term break last week. I wanted to find an activity that my lad and I could do together - you know - a little project that would bring us closer together...where we'd end the week surveying our handiwork whilst doing high fives and cracking open a couple of beers. (well okay, diet coke...he's 8)

I did some thinking. He's not really into much other than the Xbox, watching tv, playing some games on the PC...oh and I bought a copy of 'Space Hulk' off ebay some months back. He plays with the space marines, occasionally.

(By the way...to the uninitiated, Space Hulk is a classic boardgame; a very pacey dice-n-figurines simulation of the ol' bug-u-like aliens in dark scifi corridors experience.)

Anyway...

So I thought, maybe I can get him sucked into the Games Workshop habit. A trip down there later, and we had a squad of orcs, some more marines and a few paints. And he's off and running, doing a not-too-bad job of painting the little fellas up.

Come half term. I thought, 'I know...we could make a little battlefield together.' That was the plan. It would be me and him, embarking on a craft project together. Nothing too spectacular, just a sheet of plywood, some glue, some of that sprinkly-on grass stuff. After all I wasn't sure he would take to it, didn't want to spend too much, didn't want to frighten him off with too big a commitment.

That was the plan.

Thursday night...or should I say friday morning....3.30am to be precise - I've turned his bedroom into a workshop, I've spent about £100 on nerd-tools and supplies, and I'm knee deep in insulation foam granules, glue, paint, sprinkle-on-grass up to the elbows, paint smeared across my face; basically it's that scene in Close Encounters where Richard Dreyfuss's character is building a model of 'Devils Tower' in his sitting room. My lad's bailed out on me two days previous and I'm all alone, getting a little too obsessed with the fine details, wife's gone to bed, my lad's having to sleep in the spare bedroom, and I'm there (accompanied by the first chatterings of the dawn chorus birds)...cackling to myself, marching a little army of orcs up a hill towards a beautifully crafted defensive position manned by a Terminator squad of Imperial marines, armed with bolters and power swords.

I remember that. Then I remember being awoken just after 10am by the wife. I never did manage to make it to bed - there was a small puddle of sleep-drool amongst the polystyrene ruins in the corner of our.....what am I saying?...my battlefield.

Point is, the father-son project kind of went a little off-piste. I'm seeing the warning signs of all embracing nerd-dom, (like the time I bought the Federation costume for....ah, no forget that.)

But hey, it's finished. It's done. It looks good and I'm hoping my lad will get some fun out of it.

But it's not finished, is it? There's that bit in the corner could use a few more boulders...

I....uhh....I have...to....go....now....

MICHAEL J FOX

2006-10-28T04:52:00.000-07:00

I suspect everyone's seen this impassioned plea by Fox in support of the Maryland Democratic candidate, and the pro-stance on stem cell research. It was hard to watch. Painful.

I grew up on the Back to The Future films, as a kid he was one of my idols. I was surprised at how much it hurt to see him like that. It's not like we were buddies or anything, it's not like he's family; but still it was hard.

I think perhaps because we was so cool...once upon a time, to see this disease bite into him so visibly....sheeeesh. So, anyway, then we get the comeback from US shock-jock Rush Limbaugh that it was an act, exaggerated...that or he'd deliberately not taken his medication so that the symptoms would be that much more noticable when he did his bit to camera. I felt was pretty damned low.

But...I suppose, there's the counter argument, that if you enter the political arena, you're fair game. Arguably he might have over-acted, or deliberately 'forgotten' to take his meds. I think if I want to be reasonably bipartisan about this....I have to accept it's a possibility.

Anyway, Michael offered his response to that. Check it out...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=o8lsjfjgAA8

You know what? I had a residual warm spot for the guy before all this blew up...a hang over I suppose, from my teen years. Well, after seeing all of this, I can now say I greatly respect the fella. And I'm further angered - and disturbed - at how mainstream US politics has drifted off somewhere strange and become dictated by oddball, theologically-influenced cul-de-sac issues.

This is the 21st century for crissakes. I simply find it unbelievable that religious sensibilities are defining the boundaries of future medicine.

But hey...don't listen to me jibbering away, make sure you hit that link above, and listen to a guy who's about a thousand times more eloquent than me on this subject, despite....being handicapped by Parkinsons.

UNDER THE EAGLE....photoshop fun

2006-10-23T08:11:00.000-07:00

A movie poster I mocked up for Simon some years back. Can you work out which actors faces were used for Cato and Macro? Bloody obvious really....and shame on anyone who gets it wrong.

:P

OOO-ERRRR!!!

2006-10-22T10:03:00.000-07:00

This 'ere new blog allows the easy posting of piccies. Splendid - sort of opens up a whole new world of mischief for me.

Okay then...

...the stunningly attractive fella on the left here, is moi. You can think of me as Captain Picard's younger, slimmer, and generally sexier, non-Federation brother.

Alright already, I confess. I used a little Photoshop.
I had to airbrush out the full head of hair and add a few wrinkles, because, frankly, I was looking just too damn good.

(I was a little concerned transient readers might think I used a scan of some gorgeous catalog model to pass off as myself.)

*sigh*
Okay, sod it. I look like this. Alright? Not great, I know, but passable. Anyway, I'm a writer fer gawd's sake - I'm not going to be modelling thongs anytime soon. So look, I'll be sure to post piccies in my future posts. Should be fun.

*makes evil little chuckling sounds*

iBLOG let me down...so here's a brand new blog

2006-10-22T09:44:00.000-07:00

*sigh*

After eight dutiful months of making regular, incredibly witty, compelling blog posts, building up a huge worldwide audience of regular readers, who signed in daily to avidly devour my scribblings...ahem....iBlog have proven way too unreliable to use.

So now, back to scratch, a brand new blog. Oh well. Still, it looks very nice, and I'm sure we'll all get used to it.

Alrighty then. Anybody whose managed to follow the breadcrumb trail from the old blog to this new one, well done. The coffee's on, help yourself.

And hey, you...yes, you over there! That's right, you - the fella sitting at the computer; do me a favour, please, I'm beggin' ya!!! Reccomend this blog to two people you know, and hopefully I can recover some of that readership I spent the last bloody eight MONTHS BUILDING UP!!!!!

Ahem...sorry about that. Better out than in, s'pose.

Anyway, welcome dear reader. I make this solemn vow; I shall entertain you, intrigue you, maybe even squeeze a chortle - per chance a guffaw - out of you, every now and then. If you'll just come back to me. Okay?

Ach...enough grovelling already. I had you at 'sigh', didn't I?

;-)

Alex Scarrow

THE SURVIVORS - debut episode

STREAMERS

OLYMPICS - OPENING CEREMONY

DR WHO-writes-this-crap

SPY SUDOKU

FOOD HORDING PARANOIA - It's started!!!

COURAGE

APPRENTICE: week 7

APPRENTICE: WEEK 6

GRAND THEFT AUTO 4 - a pscho's wet dream

APPRENTICE: WEEK 5

APPRENTICE: Week4

APPRENTICE: WEEK3

APPRENTICE: week 1

WHAT DOES THE END OF THE WORLD LOOK LIKE?

THE G SPOT CONSPIRACY

ROWAN WILLIAMS and SHARIA LAW

DODGY AMAZON REVIEWS

I'm Back!

X FACTOR: Campaign to De-rail the show

WIP UPDATE

XFACTOR : the abusive girl

GENDER REASSIGNMENT...

MY JFK MOMENT

SCARROW vs JK ROWLING

HEROES - First impressions

END OF CIVILIZATION...as we know it?

LIVE EARTH:...oh come on

EXPRESS TICKET TO HEAVAN

BOOKS V2.0

WIP UPDATE

APPRENTICE: Inspiration Vs Perspiration?

PONDERING POTTER

APPRENTICE: KATIE

LAST LIGHT - early feedback

SUNS: A Heat Seeker!

APPRENTICE: NAOMI

APPRENTICE: GAZALL

APPRENTICE: How Low Can You Go?

SUGAR-COATED FORTUNE

WIP UPDATE

WHSMITHS PROMOTING MY BOOK

APPRENTICE: Paul 'shambles' Callaghan

A THOUSAND SUNS

APPRENTICE: Drop Dead Stupid

WIP UPDATE

THIS IS PRICELSSS

APPRENTICE: SOPHIE

AND HE'S OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CELEBRITY HOSTAGE

APPRENTICE - And the winner is...

BLOODY PEER FASCISM

WE'RE FOUR MEALS FROM ANARCHY

BYE BYE SKY

IT'S FINALLY BROKEN....

BAZUKA THAT VERRUCA!

UK'S KIDS THE MOST DEPPRESSED

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA DOES IRAQ

ARMED AND FAMOUS

X FACTOR-AMERICAN IDOL...*sigh*

SCRIPTED REALITY

BIG BROTHER IN THE POOH

I LOVE MY BEEB

BIG BROTHER - RASCISM?

Despatches: Undercover Mosque

ELLIE QUIN TRAILER

TWO GRIM FOR THE SUITS

THE FUTURE...oh boy

SADDAM'S EXECUTION

CELEB BIOGS

FUIN WITH A SIMPLE PENCIL LINE

VIDEO GAME GRAVEYARD PT3

VIDEO GAME GRAVEYARD PT2

VIDEO GAME GRAVEYARD Pt1

BLOODY CELEBRITIES!!!

THE FUTURE OF THE BOOK BUSINESS

THE DEATH OF CRAP TV

LAST LIGHT (book2) COMPLETE!!!

AUTHOR BAD HABITS PT3

X FACTOR-AMERICAN IDOL...sigh